Trump: ‘Ivanka Told Me My Crowd Was A Good Size!’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump angrily lashed out at the media today when he was discussing the size of the crowd that gathered in Washington, D.C. last Friday to watch him being sworn-in as the 45th President of the United States of America.

“You know, you people disgust me, okay,” Trump said, “you’re out here telling lies, pushing FAKE NEWS about the size of my crowd. Many people have told me crowd was huge. The hugest they’d seen. I cannot tell you how many who are in my employ and who I have direct control over that told me this. So I’m starting to re-think this whole freedom of the press thing and we’ll see if I can do one them-there presidential execution orders or something about it.”

President Trump told reporters that he knew “for a fact” that the crowd he had for his inauguration was “every bit as big as the Kenyan guy’s were.” He said that it wasn’t just his paid staff that told him this. His daughter Ivanka was very reassuring to him, he said.

“You lying press people can say what you want,” Trump said,”but my daughter Ivanka — who is hot as fuck, what fucking hotter than any Democratic first daughters have ever been. I’d never fuck one of them, but Ivanka? Shiiiitttt. Wait, what was I saying?”

A reporter from Breitbart spoke up.

“You were dealing us, my dear president,” the reporter said, “that your amazing daughter Ivanaka told you something that was reassuring to you.”

“Oh yeah, right,” Trump said, nodding, “Ivanka told me my crowd was a goods size! She said I had nothing to be ashamed about, and that for a man of my age, I should be very proud of how big it was. And you know what? Ivanka doesn’t lie. Everyone else around me might funnel alternative facts to me, but not Ivanka. She gives it to me straight every time. I wouldn’t wear this hair piece if she didn’t convince me it looked totally real, you know.”

Ivanka Trump could not be reached for comment on this story. Estimates put the crowds at Trump’s inauguration well below what either Obama inauguration saw. Kellyanne Conway, a top adviser to Trump, told the media on Sunday that Trump was spending so much time focusing on the size of his inauguration crowd because “that’s what the American people want out of their leader — petty ego stroking and outright lying.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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