Islamic American: Marco Rubio Divides Us By Being a Radical Christian

FAIRMONT, CALIFORNIA — 28-year-old Ahmed Haziz was born in the United States, loves American rules football, and his favorite food is a “Double-Double, Animal Style” from In ‘n’ Out Burgers. He says he really loves living in Southern California, and his job in the defense industry lets him fee like he’s “giving back” to the country he loves so much.

Recently, when he heard that President Barack Obama visited an American mosque in Baltimore– a first for any president — he was “really excited” to see Islam not be treated like “a toxic poison” as other politicians have done lately. In particular, Haziz was offended when Senator Marco Rubio, (R-FL), condemned Obama’s mosque visit as “dividing” the country. Haziz says that Rubio’s got it all wrong, and it’s people like he and Ted Cruz and Donald Trump that are dividing people.

“I’m tired of being divided against each other for political reasons like Marco Rubio’s done,” Haziz told us over the phone. He said that Republicans in general are  “always pitting people against each other. Always!” Haziz said “if you look at the Republican reaction to an act of terror committed by a Muslim, they act as if every Muslim is evil, but when that bastard in Colorado Springs attacked the Planned Parenthood clinic, how many Republicans were out demanding we monitor anti-choice Facebook groups,” he asked rhetorically.

Haziz continued, “Look at today: Rubio freaked out over Obama giving a speech at a mosque. Oh, you know, basically implying that America is against Muslims. But do you ever hear Muslims, Jews, Hindus, or Buddhists in this country complaining when every president ever attends a Christian church every Sunday? Of course you don’t. Freedom of religion means exactly that — freedom of religion. To practice or not practice it.” What really “galls” him, Haziz said though, is the “idea that Christians are the real victims of discrimination” in America.

“Of course there’s discrimination against Christians in America, of every kind,” Haziz said, “but the bigger issue is radical Christianity. And by the way, radical Christianity poses a threat to Christians themselves. They argue that. They’ll tell you that. But again, it’s this constant pitting people against each other. I can’t stand that. It’s hurting our country badly.”

Haziz told our reporter he hopes his kids will one day live in a country where they are hated because of the sports team they like, or the car they drive, and not the name of the made-up deity they worship. “I just want to live in a country one day where everyone’s imaginary friends are laughed at equally,” Haziz said, “is that so much to ask for?”



James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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