ISIS Wants To Buy The Washington Post

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — Holding a press conference somewhere in ISIS-controlled Syria, a terrorist soldier told reporters that his group is “seriously considering” an attempt to buy The Washington Post from Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos.

“We recognize,” the masked man told the media, “that as dumb as it sounds, Donald Trump might be America’s next president. For that reason, we need to find ways to strike fear into his orange-tinted heart.” That desire to terrorize Trump directly led ISIS to realize something.

The terrorist said that “after a board” he and other members of the executive team held, it was decided that Trump very clearly is “most terrified by the free press asking him questions.” When Trump announced he was going to revoke WaPo’s press credentials for his campaign, the ISIS fighter said he and his cohorts “knew exactly what Allah wanted” them to do.

“Apparently, the scariest thing in all the world to Donald Trump isn’t global-nuclear war or climate change, or even we cool guys here at ISIS,” the man said, “and it’s actually a reporter with a laptop looking for an interview. It of course makes sense that he’d be afraid of someone he can’t buy off or intimidate — and to be honest that actually makes us respect him a little bit — but we’re in this War of Terror to win it, so desperate times call for blah blah blah, you know what I mean.”

ISIS has previously considered hiring Megyn Kelly to work for their terrorist TV network.

“His orange skin really seemed to glisten with flop sweat whenever he had to interact with her,” the ISIS fighter said, adding that Trump “clearly is freaked out by people he can’t control that can perhaps get him to reveal just how empty that skull underneath what he passes off as hair really is.”

If they are unable to secure the purchase of The Washington Post, the masked man said that ISIS has some other things in mind to “troll Trump with.”

“One plan we have is to buy a company that makes canned Vienna sausages and renaming them Trump Fingers,” the fighter said, “and another plan we’ve thought about is truly strike terror in Trump’s heart by buying up all the orange paint supply in the world, forcing him to reveal his natural skin tone, which we believe is probably shit brown, but it could be puke green or diarrhea light-brown.”

This is a developing story.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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