ISIS ‘Really Grateful’ NRA Has Made Getting Guns So Easy

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — An unidentified Daesh fighter released a video on YouTube over the weekend praising The National Rifle association for “making it super-duper easy-peasy to get firearms in America.” In the video, the terrorist says that the San Bernardino shooting and now the tragic shooting in Orlando that was the largest mass shooting in the country’s history prove that “using American citizens to carry out our terror attacks is made infinitely easier thanks to Swiss cheese gun laws in the states.”

“Daesh are now and will be forever really grateful to the NRA,” the man in the video says, “for making it so damn easy to get a gun in the United States. You can literally be on the terrorism watch list and still get a gun legally. We have no idea why more Americans haven’t figured out we’re using their own Second Amendment against them, but thank Allah there are so many of them who believe that amendment is their own God’s gospel.”

The Daesh fighter says at one point in the video that if his group continues to radicalize American citizens they’ll “no longer have to sneak terrorists or guns into the U.S.” because “the NRA has made it nearly impossible to stop anyone from getting their hands on an assault rifle.”

“I feel like we should send Wayne LaPierre a personalized thank you note or one of our ceremonial beheading swords,” the man in the video says, “because now we’re using American-made and purchased guns in the same way we use those swords, aren’t we?”

Reached for comment, LaPierre, who is the executive Vice-President of the NRA, told reporters that he is “not happy” about Daesh’s endorsement of the NRA, but that “clearly the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun he obtained legally because the NRA has made every effort to allow even terrorists to get guns as easily as possible is with a good guy with a gun he bought out of paranoia of Barack Obama coming and taking it away.”

“It pleases us,” the Daesh fighter tweeted later, after reading LaPierre’s response, “that Mr. LaPierre keeps using such highly-charged rhetoric meant only to incite fear in Americans because that is literally the same reason we carry out terror attacks. It’s really great that Daesh knows it has a strong ally in the NRA and America’s gun lobby.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This