ISIS Wants President Trump to Help Them Write Their Own ‘Religious Extremist’ Executive Order

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — From a bunker somewhere in Syria, the terrorist organization known as ISIS has released a YouTube video in which a spokesman makes a rather bold and daring request of alleged President Donald Trump — help them draft an executive order.

“We must say that ISIS is quite impressed with the executive order your President Trump signed this week,” the man says into the camera, “and we would love his assistance in drafting something similar for our people. We think Trump would make a fine ISIS leader, the way he wielded religion to help people hurt others.”

The ISIS representative seemed to be referring to an executive order that Trump signed directing the Department of Justice to find ways in which to help empower religious organizations and keep them from being sued for discriminating against people based on their religious beliefs. The order, while widely lauded by religious conservatives, has been seen by others as a backdoor assault on the establishment of LGBTQ+ protections during the Obama administration.

“ISIS just adores that the Trump administration also believes in the combination of Church and State,” the spokesman said, “and not the separation of it. This could lead to us working together quite nicely, and we’re hoping to extend the olive branch today. If President Trump could help us draft a similar order, that would be really nifty, guys.”

The Trump administration, reached for comment, has indicated it might help ISIS out “this one time.”

“If President Trump gets permission from President Putin,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters, “then we may just help them out this one time. I don’t want to get ahead of the piss-poop-prick-pumpkin headed fuckwit-PRESIDENT here, but he’ll do pretty much anything Putin tells him to do, and since we know Vlad’s playing both sides of the Syrian Civil War, there’s a fairly good chance this will hop-hip-hoop-Mot the Hoople-HAPPEN very soon.”

The ISIS spokesman said that he’d also like to meet Vice President Mike Pence.

“Because we all know Pence is the cultist behind the order, and Trump was just his giant, diarrhea filled rubber stamper,” the terrorist said, “so I’d like to meet the guy behind the guy.”

This story is developing.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This