UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA — At a press conference held somewhere in Syria, a spokesman for the terrorist group known as Daesh, or ISIS, partially contradicted something Donald Trump said on the campaign trail this week.
During an interview on conservative talk radio host Hugh Hewitt’s show, the alleged-billionaire doubled-down on statements he made in which he called President Obama the “founder” of ISIS. Trump told Hewitt, who seemed to be attempting to give Trump a chance to walk back his rhetoric, that not only was Obama the founder of ISIS, he was their “most valuable player.” The ISIS spokesman told reporters that wasn’t true.
“It’s a cute bit of political rhetoric,” the terrorist told the media, “but the truth is we sprung up out of the vacuum left in Iraq, and we took advantage of the destabilization that George W. Bush’s administration wrought in this region. But to us, the funny part about what Trump said is that we think of the National Rifle Association as our American MVP, no doubt about it.”
The anonymous ISIS soldier told reporters that when it comes to planning and executing terror attacks on American soil “no one makes it easier to get semi-automatic firearms than the NRA.” He said that radicalizing American citizens against their own country is enhanced by the fact that they can use “their own gun lovers’ sycophancy” against them.
“It’s funny to us,” the terrorist said, “that they have people in their country so obsessed with preserving their right to stockpile weapons for an armed revolt that simply isn’t coming that they won’t make it harder for people who actually do want to carry out an armed revolution of sorts against them to get guns. It’s not our fault their gun industry lobbyists have done such a bang-up job of feeding into the fears and paranoid delusions of a small part of their populace. We’re just here to take advantage of that fear and paranoia, you know, like the gun manufacturers do.”
Citing recent high-profile shootings in San Bernardino and Orlando, the ISIS spokesman said both those incidents were made “much more easily performed” because “guns are so sacrosanct” in America.
“It doesn’t matter to Americans whether their schools are shot up by white, Christian males,” the spokesman said, “if their low-cost health clinics are assaulted by American Christians, or if a team of radicalized Muslim Americans attacks their holiday Christmas party. There are people in that country who will never, ever agree to picking even the lowest hanging fruit when it comes to gun regulations.”
According to the Daesh spokesman, the “biggest reason” many Americans refuse to even entertain thoughts of gun control regulations is the “hard work put in by the NRA to twist the Second Amendment’s intent into something that’s just plain illogical to 21st century realities.”
“And we just think that makes them so cool,” the ISIS fighter said, “so they’re our American MVPs, no doubt. Thanks Wayne LaPierre, for always making our jobs that much easier!”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.