ISIS Sends Mike Pence Congratulations on His New ‘Religious Inquisition’ Task Force

SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — ISIS has issued a statement this morning, congratulating Vice President Mike Pence on the religious freedom task force started by the Trump administration this week.

“Dear Vice President Imam Pence,” the letter reads, “Wow! You did it! It’s hard to believe you did what so many of us wish we could do! You helped set up an official religious inquisition task force! Do you have any clue how long we’ve wanted to establish our own religious caliphate Mikey? KUDOS, BRO!”

Some might wonder if there was a translation issue, given that the group formed by the Trump administration was called a “religious freedom” task force, but ISIS referred to it repeatedly when addressing Pence as an “inquisition task force.” ISIS seemed to anticipate such a thing.

“We even admire that you had the balls to call it religious freedom when we all know you mean inquisition,” ISIS wrote. “Clever!”

Report: Trump Supporters Penises Are 2 Inches Smaller Than Nationwide Average

Vice President Pence, upon receiving the letter from ISIS, went out into the parking lot of a D.C. area Middle Eastern market, had Secret Service agents stand on a step-ladder with an American flag, and saluted it. For half an hour, Pence stood there, defiantly saluting the flag and signing Christian hymns. When he arrived back at the Vice President’s residence, reporters were waiting for him, and asked him what he was doing.

“Look, I admire what ISIS was saying, and in another life time, we might be friends, or frenemies. I mean, we both want to control the world around us to please an imaginary deity,” Pence said. “But ISIS is our sworn enemy, and America is my real God. So I stood in front of that Middle Eastern market, and I prayed to the God I love most — nationalism. It was largely symbolic, sure, but so is my marriage, so hi-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

This is a developing story.

strong>James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This