All Of Humanity Lines Up To Give George W. Bush 70th Birthday Face Punches

CRAWFORD, TEXAS — At former-President George W. Bush’s ranch in Texas, people from all over the world are lining up on his 70th birthday to pay tribute to him in a “most appropriate way,” according to one member of the queue.

“I never wanted to punch a 70 year old before,” Susan Wilson told our reporter, “but then George W. Bush turned 70.”

Wilson, whose son Jareth died in the Iraq War, says she left her home in New Jersey last weekend and drove into Crawford on the Fourth of July, and was surprised to find ten people already in line, waiting to give President Bush seventy punches in the face. While the tradition is usually for birthday spanks, Wilson says that those lined-up believe that something “with a little more oomph” is needed for Mr. Bush’s birthday.

“That man helped orchestrate one of the most costly and needless wars in our country’s history,” Wilson said, “and it was all lies. His lies cost my sweet Jareth his life, and I’ll never get him back, and we’ll never get him and Cheney into a trial at the Hague, so what other recourse do I have than to punch him 70 times in his lying face?”

Gary Hobarth served two tours in Iraq. He told us he plans to punch Bush “one time for every one of my buddies who I lost in that pointless war.” His wife traveled with Gary and said she plans on punching Bush in the face on behalf of Gary, since he’s too “honorable to punch Dubya on behalf of himself.”

Twenty-six year-old Ahmed Abdul Rahim lost his mother, two sisters, and three cousins when an American bombing run took out his family’s home by mistake. He says he’s here in the U.S. to punch Bush 70 times as the only way his family will ever get closure.

“I hope I get a chance to literally take a shit on one of his horrible paintings,” Roger Gladwell told us. Roger lost his wife Camille on 9/11 and says he wants to punch Bush for using his wife’s death as political capital to sell the world on a war that “did nothing but line greedy, blood mongering assholes’ bank accounts with more crimson cash.”

A spokesman for Bush said that the doors to the ranch house in Crawford will open promptly at 2pm and will stay open until everyone has had a chance to wish Mr. Bush a happy birthday in whatever way they see fit.

Estimates of casualties both American and Iraqi put the number anywhere between 200,000 and a million people.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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