After Iran Deal, Trump Eyes Pulling Out Of Emancipation Proclamation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Donald Trump followed through on one of his loudest and most often repeated campaign promises when he announced that he was directing the U.S. to leave the Iran nuclear weapons deal that was orchestrated by the Barack Obama administration less than three years ago.

As reported by The Failing New York Times, Trump called the deal, which was historic and created the only formal framework for limiting Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weaponry, “horrible” and “one-sided.”

“This was a horrible one-sided deal that should have never, ever been made,” a grim-faced Mr. Trump said in an 11-minute address from the Diplomatic Reception Room of the White House. “It didn’t bring calm, it didn’t bring peace, and it never will.” (TFNYT)

Trump had long promised his base that he would exit the Iran deal, making it one more platform of Obama’s presidency that he would rip out. Twice last year Trump made indications he was leaning toward exiting the agreement, only to re-certify it at the eleventh hour each time. Critics of this decision say that it merely isolates the United States, as France, Germany, and other allies have decided they will remain in the agreement.

Word out of the White House is that the president is feeling invigorated by his decision to withdraw from the Iran Deal and has set his sights on tearing up other “bigly bad deals” he sees that the U.S. has made over the course of time. With his feet up on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, a Diet Coke in one hand a bowl of ice cream with two scoops in the other, Trump shouted to his press secretary to come in and take a note.

“SARAH! HURRY UP AND GET IN HERE QUASIMODO,” Trump yelled, using his special pet nickname he’s given Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Within moments, a nacho cheese stained Huckabee appeared in the Oval Office. “Ah yes, Sarah. Bigly good of you to get here so quickly. Here’s a treat.”

Trump tossed a pretzel dipped in barbecue sauce at Sanders, who snapped it up gleefully in mid-air.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

“Sarah, as you know, one of my yoogest agenda items is getting this country out of all the bad deals my predecessors, especially my black predecessors, made,” Trump said. “To that end, I have gotten us out of the Paris climate accords, and now the Iran deal. And as you know, I’ve got my eyes on NAFTA.”

Huckabee Sanders nodded blankly, the powerful narcotic Trump laces her treats with coursing through her brain. The chemical keeps her docile, and was engineered to dull the human brain’s sense of morality, decency, fairness, and truth, and it is vital for all those senses be dulled permanently so that Sanders can do her job.

“Well, I was talking to Stephen last night,” Trump motioned to his left. There senior policy adviser Stephen Miller was reading his autographed copy of Mein Kampf. “He was telling me about this thing called the Emancipation Constipation, and apparently it was really badly written. Lots of government overreach.”

Again, the press secretary just nodded and smiled blankly.

“I mean, I’ve read the Constellation forwards and backwards, and I have never once seen in it where the president has the power to take away private citizens’ property,” Trump said emphatically. “And so I think the whole deal was bad for certain Americans, and our polls show people who are sympathetic to the Americans the tyrant Lincoln stole property from support me bigly. So, well, bing-bang-boom, time to shred the Emancipation thingy.”

Trump told Sanders to make sure the White House talking points included his belief that the Emancipation Proclamation was “outdated” and “antiquated.”

“Who is it really helping these days anyway,” Trump asked rhetorically. “It seems a little out of date if you ask me, and everyone really does seem to be asking me about it. Like, every single day. We could really bring this country together if we tear up this bigly bad and antiquated deal that only hurts white feelings anyway.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts

Purchase 2017: The Year That Was (But Shouldn’t Have Been) on Amazon or


  • Show Comments