My mother Barbara always taught me that you should only speak when you know you can do so with knowledge of the subject at hand. Which is why you haven’t heard very much out of me for the last almost eight years. I just don’t have that much to contribute, now that I’m not the Decider in Chief. While that Boondock Obama guy has been in office, I have stayed mostly out of the limelight and worked on my painting. It’s so much easier to ignore feeling bad about leaving behind a tanked economy for instance, when I don’t think things like that.
And luckily for me, not thinking is something I knew how to do before I got electabled to be presidential in the White House, and I damn-near perfected it while I was in the Ovoid Orifice.
If there is one subject I feel I am very qualified to speak on though, it’s United States forensics policy. Clearly my track record of amazing success in keeping the world safe while also protecting our national image abroad makes me the perfect person to pontificate on war and peace. So when I heard that Boondock guy had started to make peace with one-third of what I so brilliantly labeled the Axis of Evil, I decided it was time to come out of hiding and say some stuff about this nuclear deal with the Iran primary minstrel.
I had written down a cogent, saline argument about why we should be very cautious about lifting the sanction on Iran that are crippling its economy. I had all these charts and diagrams and stuff, but when I showed them to President Cheney, he told me that they were terrible and I was grounded and that he’d just write down my thoughts on the deal for me. This made us both laugh really hard, and we said in almost unison, “Just like the old days!” So here’s what Dick told me to say — er I mean — here’s my own totally unique thoughts on this Iran nuke deal.
Here’s why we should leave every avenue to full-blown invasion of Iran open — Dick Cheney wants to buy himself his own, private island. He wants to call it War Island and host different wars on it. He says that “since Obama has made the country into a bunch of pussies about war” that he’d just buy an island where people who know how vital war is — to his profit margins — can come, stay, and get blown to bits.
But Dick can’t buy an island just yet. Believe it or not, the millions and millions and millions of dollars that the Iraq Invasion and the deaths of over 4,000 American boys and girls brought him doesn’t quite give him enough to live on after the down payment of War Island. Apparently, it costs a lot of money to buy an island and turn it into a nightmarish, twisted version of Disneyland, replete with bunker busting bombs. So that’s where this whole Iran-U.S. nuke deal thingy comes into play.
What Dick and I would like Boondock to consider is this — instead of reaching a peaceful, mutual agreement on Iran’s nuclear program…let’s go to war with them instead. Think about it. What is the one thing America has proven over and over again in the years since the end of World War II? That we are really good at choosing when to unleash the power of our military industrial complex’s siphoning money out of infrastructure for decades, that’s what. So let’s just put all that talky-talky with the Iranians aside and get back to the good, clean, American basics of democracy — bombing the living shit out of people and then ramming our occupation of their homeland down their throats forever and ever, amen.
Now, Dick and I know that Boondock and his team might not have the American balls it takes to abandon diplomatic outreach in favor of “pew! pew!” So we’re willing to offer him and the rest of the country a one time deal — Dick and I will come back to the White House in our usual roles, he as leader me as lackey and puppet, and we’ll head-up the Iran War for you all. No need to thank us. Just sign over legal authority to make war to Dick and I, and we’ll expertly conduct the war, just as we did the Iraq War.
Just point us in the direction of the NSA and CIA so we can, um, definitely not lie and deliberately misinterpret shaky intelligence to justify the war. No need to thank us, of course. Now, while you think this proposition over awhile, I’m going to go have my dog shit in a bowl so I can eat it — it’s the best way to wash the taste of failure, war crimes and monumental incompetency out of my mouth.
God bless America, and mission accomplished!