HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell didn’t get his medical degree from a standard, “libtarded liberal brainwashing” university. Dr. O’Connell says he got his medical degree from YouTube and other “non-government tyrannical licensing agencies.” One thing Dr. Clem knows for certain is that after watching hours and hours of Hillary Clinton on various video clips from the Internet, her flatulence belies a major health problem.
“I was watching video from the last debate Hillary had with Bernie Socialist Sanders,” Clem, a devout Republican told our reporter, “and as always I did so in my headphones so I could really concentrate on the audio, and not just the video. At one point there was a slight lull in the talking between the moderator, Hillary, and Bernie, and I swear to God I heard Clinton cut one.”
Dr. O’Connell says that though his Internet Medical Degree was for “generalized medicinal shit” that he is still very qualified to speak on proctological and gastroenterological maladies, as long as he’s able to hear them in YouTube videos.
“It’s a gift I have,” Clem said, “to hear a fart and know what’s wrong with someone. When Hillary farted during that debate, I could tell that she has major health problems, and also that she’s a socialist Commie America hater.”
Even though Dr. Clem said he can’t confirm “for 100% sure” that Clinton really did pass gas, the fact that the sound he heard sounded so much like a fart was enough for him to go on.
“As per my extensive, two week training studying videos posted by InfoWars and on Allen West’s ad-infested, shitty website,” Dr. O’Connell boasted, “I came way with the exact kind of medical expertise I needed to diagnose things based on what I hear or see, or even what I think I hear and am pretty sure I saw.”
Asked for specifics as to what disease or illness Hillary’s alleged wind breaking indicates, Dr. O’Connell hedged a bit.
“I don’t know,” Clem said, “it could be 24-hour AIDS, it could be a light case of finger cancer, or it could be that her entire body is about to implode on itself, leaving only a faint, gray smoke and the sound of birds tweeting balefully in the background. That’s not my area of expertise. I just listen for farts and decide if they are healthy farts or sick farts, and clearly Hillary’s farts are nothing but sickness.”
Reached for comment, Henrietta Shipley, a real medical doctor answered our email with a simple, one-word response.
“LOL,” the letter said in big, bold script.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.