International Arms Dealer Proud of Hillary Clinton’s Bold Stance Against the NRA

LAKE BANG, ILLINOIS — Roger Cornleaf is the International Executive Sales Lead for United Patriotic Hardware — an arms dealer that works with the State Department to help make connections with foreign governments for the purposes of selling them guns and ammunition, among other paramilitary supplies. Cornleaf is a Democrat, and he is supporting Hillary Clinton in the primary. The reason for his support of Clinton is that she is a staunch advocate of taking on the National Rifle Association, he says, and not because his company is a donor to the Clinton Foundation and they helped him broker a huge deal with a small island country off the coast of Australia that paid for his new house.

“I just think it shows a lot of guts to stand up to a domestic gun manufacturer lobbyist,” Cornleaf told us, “especially when you’ve helped orchestrate gun sales the size of which would make the NRA’s head spin through your connections as Secretary of State and your charitable foundation.”

Cornleaf said he’s had talks with other sales teams at other arms dealers and they echo his sentiments.

“One guy got help from the Clinton Foundation to sell guns to Saudi Arabia,” Cornleaf said, “and he told me that he’s also really glad to see Hillary going after the NRA. It’s really bold of her, considering how hawkish and pro-gun she is as long as the guns are going overseas so they can be used to kill people in wars instead of staying here domestically to be used by toddlers all over this great nation to accidentally shoot themselves or a loved one.”

Roger has been an international arms dealer for over 25 years and has as such worked with both Democratic administrations and Republican ones. He said there was “literally no difference” between when he worked with the George W. Bush State Department and his work with then-Secretary of State Clinton.

“It’s really something to be admired,” Cornleaf said of Clinton’s aggressive attacks on Senator Bernie Sanders’ vote against a bill that would have let companies like his be sued by victims of gun violence, even if the gun sold was legally manufactured and distributed to a reputable gun retailer. He said that her ability to be “tough on the NRA while opening the floodgates of guns outside our borders” shows Clinton “really, truly gets it.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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