Individual-1 Sent Urgent Message To David Dennison, John Barron, Donald Trump, and President of Puerto Rico

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities are reporting that within the last several hours Individual-1 — the person who FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation believes directed Michael Cohen to commit several felonies to influence the 2016 presidential election — has sent an emergency communique asking for a meeting as soon is as possible.

“Gentlemen, I’m afraid I must ask you to convene at the Super Secret Rendezvous Point much sooner than we had initially thought,” the communique reads. “As you know, that totally weak person Michael Cohen has given up the goods on me, and now this whole thing could blow up in our faces.”

The communique was sent via Jared Kushner’s Russian back channel for extra security. It was sent to Mr. David Dennison, Mr. John Barron, Donald Trump, and the President of Puerto Rico. Some are speculating that the message might also contain coded language, and some noted Individual-1 made several references to “keeping Vlad happy and the wee-wee tape buried.”

“We cannot let the general public know the very easily discerned facts about how certain people in this group are maybe helping Uncle Vlad launder some cash and end extremely expensive sanctions that cost him billions, in exchange for Mr. Putin not spilling the beans about a certain someone’s love of piss,” the letter reads.

Individual-1 told the communication’s recipients that he’s very worried about the “lying, dodging, manipulative” people who want him out of power.

“All they do is lie! They have no idea even what the truth is,” Individual-1 writes. “They had no idea six trillion illegal Mexicans are in the border caravan with the sole purpose of voting for Crooked Hillary Benghazi Clinton! NO COLLUSION! Sorry, that’s an old habit when the ol’ tweet thinker starts revving up.”

A meeting was not possible, but reportedly a conference call was eventually set up between all concerned parties. It’s said that the conversation got quite heated, but that ultimately everyone on the call agreed that they were all very normally hung, very hinged, and bigly successful at everything they each do.

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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