LAKE NOHSECKS, FLORIDA– Charles “Chuck” Charleston is a 24 year old self-described “incel.” This means that Chuck is involuntarily celibate. Like nearly all incels, Chuck blames his lack of sexual contact with females on females, and specifically feminism. It;’s not that Chuck hasn’t ever had sexual intercourse with a lady, but because his family only has reunions once every five years, he hasn’t had sex since he was 20 years old, so he’s still another year out from a potential tryst.
“And my second cousin made it seem like she was only giving me a pity bone, so I have no idea if she’ll be down to bang it out next summer,” Chuck told us during a Skype interview conducted this morning. “Needless to say, I’ll be rubbing it out for the foreseeable future.”
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Chuck told us that in order to keep himself “relatively grounded and sane,” he chooses to think of his left hand as his “special girlfriend.” He’s stopped short of giving his hand a name, per se, but he said he treats it like he would any fully corporeal girlfriend he may have some day, “if the bitches” in and around his Florida hometown “stop being such little Feminazis.” Today is Valentine’s Day, and we asked Chuck if he got his left hand anything special to celebrate.
“Fuck no! What kinda cuck do you think I am, anyway,” Chuck asked us incredulously. “I wouldn’t get nothing or do nothing fancy for my real girlfriend on so-called Valentine’s Day. So why in the holy hell would I do something or get something nice for my left hand? Get real, man.”
Mr. Charleston told us, in fact, that the had a ‘very direct, frank, and candid conversation” with his left hand about that very subject. He told his left hand last week, he said, not to expect to get anything from him for Valentine’s day. He also said he refused to book reservations at any restaurants for the couple either. Though, he said he was thinking of “hitting up a Taco Bell” after work, so his left hand would, in fact, be dining with him later tonight.
“I told my left hand flat-out, point blank, I ain’t gettin’ it nothin’ for Valentine’s Day,” Chuck explained, “because it’s just don’t sit right with me. It’s a made up, fake holiday! It’s not like Christmas or Easter, which are based on very real events that for sure happened. All it is, today, is something Hallmark invented to sell cards to dumb cucks who think their wives or girlfriends will be more apt to put out if they buy ’em gifts today. Well, I got news for you — according to the BIBLE they should already be having sex with us because it’s their damn duty as women!”
Chuck told us he plans to get drunk and watch old VHS tapes of demolition derbies and 80’s hair metal bands tonight. By the end of the night, he hopes to be alone with his left hand, some tissues, some personal lubricant, and a web browser open to the “choicest step-sibling porn the Internet has to offer.” That’s his idea of a good night any day of the year, he told us.
“I just don’t get celebrating worthless, commercial holidays like Valentine’s Day,” Chuck explained. “I get celebrating days where important stuff happened like the day the rebs fired on Fort Sumter, or again, Jesus’ birth, death, and zombie dates. I know that prolly puts me in the minority, but what can you do? I’m a simple man, who demands sexual fealty and pleasure from my female companions, whether she’s in the mood or not. If she don’t like it, there’s all kindsa soyboy beta cucks she can take advantage of, but I ain’t gonna by no flowers or chocolates to get laid when the Bible commands her to lay me in the first place.”
Chuck’s left hand didn’t respond to requests for comment on this story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.