LATROBE, PENNSYLVANIA — While many who consider themselves to be experts in the American political scene consider Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s economic performance a mixed-bag of accomplishments and possible weaknesses in his campaign for president, virtually no one thinks Walker has any real world experience in matters of foreign policy, and one inanimate rock would like the chance to prove just that.
“The guy tried to say that holding off a recall attempt meant that he’d be able to handle ISIS,” Walter “Rock” McGill told The Political Garbage Chute, adding, “that’s just insanely stupid on all fronts.” For starters, Rock said, “a recall election is a domestic matter” and “things like wars and shit are foreign affairs-related.” Rock says that “if Walker can’t even figure out how to classify things that happen inside and outside the borders he’s allegedly the chief executive of, how the hell will he be able to do anything but look like a buffoon on the international stage,” he asked rhetorically.
Rock said that beyond confusing a domestic issue for a foreign policy issue, “there’s also the undeniable fact that he compared people who disagree with his governance to terrorists.” Mr. Rock insists that kind of rhetoric “is going to blow up in that dipshit’s face” when Walker “realizes that just by virtue of being president, almost half the country hates you and doesn’t like your governance style.”
“Is he going to label every single Democratic congressperson or Senator a terrorist,” Rock asked rhetorically, continuing, “and what about the millions and millions of people who won’t vote for him? Will he just write them all off as enemies of the state,” Rock asked. He also said that “the right wingers love to pummel President Obama for supposedly being a total newbie when it came to foreign policy affairs, but at least Obama was a Senator. Senators get intelligence briefings. Senators meet foreign dignitaries all the time. Walker was a middling governor from a state that could do so much better than him.”
Mr. Rock has issued a formal debate challenge to Governor Walker as a result of his frustrations. “I’ll do him a favor and agree to limit the debate to only foreign policy,” Rock told us. “Even though I know as an inanimate rock that I also have more modern, and time-tested solutions to problems we face than someone who thinks the same-old approach of keeping the idle rich happy is the way to fix all life’s problems, but we can stick to just stuff like war and peace and global socioeconomic issues if he’d like,” Mr. Rock said.
“Walker’s a neoconservative,” Rock told our reporter, “so I can already tell you that he’s going to defend the Iraq War. He’s going to defend the War on Terror, drone strikes, and the NSA’s completely unconstitutional overreach.” Rock said that Walker would also “defend the CIA’s torture of terror suspects and he’d keep Gitmo open forever.” He added that “these are just things we can easily assume about his positions, based on who is backing him.”
Rock insists that he’ll not bring up the Koch brothers’ funding of Walker’s campaign even though “clearly being bankrolled by domestic oil tycoons would have some kind of implications for international oil trade.” Instead, he says, he’ll just “keep hammering home the reality that Walker is a college drop out anti-intellectual puppet of the oligarchy and that he doesn’t belong within six feet of the nuclear launch codes” because “he is a dangerous neophyte playing an adults game.”
“For God’s sake, Walker belongs to the school of thought that gave rise to ISIS, and now this chump is telling us he’d know how to beat them back,” Rock asked incredulously. “Good luck with that one, Scotty,” he said snidely.
“Governor Walker is the exact kind of guy that no one should be happy with being our Commander in Chief,” Rock said, “unless you admire the military genius and acumen of George W. Bush and his boss Dick Cheney, of course.” But why does Rock feel he could make a better and more salient point about foreign policy than Walker could? “Because unlike him, I read. Unlike him, I don’t possess the ability to think critically, but also unlike him I have the desire to think critically. Even with that disadvantage, I know I’m smarter than Walker. With half my non-existent brain tied behind my rock-back,” he said.
Walker’s campaign has not returned Mr. Rock’s request for a debate. With just over a year left before the election, Walker currently finds himself placing third or lower in most national polls of Republican primary voters. The billionaire Donald Trump still leads the field handily.