Impeachment Trial Day 2 Summary: Lying Sacks of Shit Spend Day Lying to Protect a Lying Sack of Shit

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The second official day of the impeachment trial of President Lying Sack of Shit was, to put it mildly, a long one.

Senate Democrats  initiated debate on several amendments to the organizing rules proposed by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Trump’s Anus), asking for subpoenas to be sent to key administration officials and departments. Democrats made it clear they believe the White House is participating in a cover-up of the president’s actions in regards to his attempts to coerce and extort a foreign government for help in this year’s presidential election. Each amendment was voted down along party lines, however, and ultimately Senate Republicans took a bold stance, agreeing to call for witnesses and documents, if they felt like it, at some time later in the trial, maybe.

McConnell Opens Senate Impeachment Trial With Traditional Burning Of The Constitution

A key development in the second day of the trial, however, is when a cadre of lying sacks of utter shit stood before the Senate, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and, thanks to television cameras in the Senate chamber, the country, and proceeded to spew lies in an effort to protect a larger, even bigger lying sack of shit. One might think that the lying sack of shit the other lying sacks of shit were lying to protect pays them handsomely to lie on his behalf. In fact, however, it’s actually taxpayers are footing the bill for the lying sack of shit’s legal defense.

“Are we lying sacks of shit? Undeniably,” admitted one of the lying sacks of shit, “but we prefer the job title ‘White House Legal Counsel.’ However, if we’re speaking from a strictly technical standpoint, then yes, we are indeed lying sacks of shit.” 

Over the course of the extremely long day of debate, the team of lying sacks of shit would waste almost no time getting right down to the business of spewing lies.

“They told the Republicans in the House they would personally beat them up and take their lunch money if they called for witnesses, and they literally didn’t let any Republicans into their basement bunker,” one of the lead lying sacks of shit lied. “And, I hear they did like twenty gay marriages and a hundred abortions too! Apparently, I’ve heard, they also said they were going to make it illegal to be president if you’re white! This is a farce! This is a sham! They cannot get away with worshiping Satan while they buttfucked a cat in front of the president’s grandchildren, can they? CAN THEY?! LAWYER LAWSUITS! LAWYER LAWSUITS!”

To some, it appeared they might have made a bet between themselves prior to the trial starting about who could lie the most. Many noticed that instead of presenting a defense of their lying sack of shit boss’s actions, they chose instead to lie and attack the people presenting evidence of President Liarface McSackofShit’s malfeasance. But, one of the lying sacks of shit insisted, however, that he and his fellow lying sacks of shit did “much, much more than lie.”

“We also repeated talking points, spin, and political rhetoric! Why don’t we get credit for that,” the lying sack of shit asked as feces fell from his mouth, “Because we’re not just here to lie. We’re here to obfuscate. We’re here to baffle. We’re here to confuse. We’re here to boondoggle. We’re here to perplex. We’re here to muddle and befuddle. We’re here to distract. We’re here to shine a bright shiny object into millions of gullible people’s eyes and then pull the wool down over them as they try to figure out whether we’re lying or what. So please, don’t sell the vital work we’re doing to protect a white collar crook, lifetime conman, and reality-TV host, folks.”

The president was asked by a gaggle of reporters how he thinks his legal team is doing, and he said he’d love to “lie and spin about that.”

“Oh, I think they’re the greatest legal team ever assembled, and that’s completely true and factual,” President Lying Shithead said. “I couldn’t be happier with them if I tried! I like them! Just like I like my sons, um, you know, Male Not Ivankas, or whatever? Yeah, that’s how much I like those piece of shit! They’re great! Everything’s great! The call was perfect! Read the transcripts! Bob Mueller’s 1.2 million angry Democrats! No collusion! I like piss parties! Wait. Shit. Forget what I just said. I have to go now.”

Look for our summary of today’s developments in the impeachment trial of President Mendacious Lying Fuckface tomorrow.

Law Offices Of Hannity, Limbaugh, & Bongino, LLP Offers Its Services To White House For Impeachment Trial

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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