Impeachment: Hawley Says He Hasn’t Heard Convincing Evidence From Within Trump’s Peepee Hole

WASHINGTON, D.C. — From his vantage point, Senator Josh Hawley (Q-MO) says he hasn’t seen any evidence that should convict the former president of the United States on the article of impeachment brought against him by the House of Representatives. Just days before his term ended, Barack Obama’s racist orange successor was impeached for inciting the January 6th insurrection and terrorist attack on the capitol building. Just minutes before thousands of angry, armed members of the MAGA cult stormed the rotunda, the 45th president had riled them up with lies about a stolen election and needing to “fight like hell” to “stop the steal.”

But despite now two days of heartwrenching, emotional evidence presented by the House impeachment managers, Senator Hawley says they just haven’t shown him any “convincing” evidence that the former president should be convicted.

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“For the last two days, I’ve placed myself in my usual position, deep, deep in side the former president’s dong-hole. Maybe it’s just because I can only see and hear things when he gets up to go pee,” Hawley told reporters before entering the Senate chamber this morning, “but from my vantage point, I haven’t heard anything or seen anything that would make me want to convict him.”

Hawley was infamously photographed on the morning of the attack raising a fist in unity and solidarity with the very same domestic terrorists who would later ransack the capitol.

“At first, I was a little worried because some of what I was able to see and hear of the House manager’s case seemed compelling,” Hawley further explained. “However, then I realized all I care about is a) my political career, b) my political party, and c) riding the wave of cultish fervor that guy started to the presidency. That made me care a whole lot less about whatever they were saying.”

The impeachment trial of the 45th president, his second such trial, is expected to conclude early next week.

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