WASHINGTON, D.C. — “We did it, guys. We really fuckin’ did it,” Congressman Matt Gaetz told reporters, turning to give his fellow House Judiciary Republicans, Reps. Louie Gohmert and Doug Collins a high-five as he finished. “There’s no way anyone could have watched this hearing and not come away from with it a deep desire to impeach Hunter Biden! We did it!”
Today, the judiciary committee met ostensibly to debate the two articles of impeachment proposed by the Democratic majority against President Donald Trump. During the hearing, however, Gaetz seemed much more intent on inserting the name of Hunter Biden, son of former Vice President Joe Biden, into the proceedings. Gaetz even brought up the fact that a New Yorker article on Biden identified an episode where Biden seemed to crash a rental car, flee the scene, and leave behind drug paraphernalia in the rental car. Rep. Gaetz was handed quite a large slice of humble pie when Congressman Hank Johnson subtly reminded the American people of Gaetz’ own 2008 arrest on suspicion of DUI.
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“I just want to commend my colleagues and offer them a public handy right here and now,” Collins said in his trademark southern drawl. “If I live to 103, I will always look back on this day, beaming with pride about the work we did here.”
A reporter asked Collins if he was referencing the defense he and his fellow Republicans mounted of Trump’s conduct. Collins gave the reporter the finger and scoffed. He quickly corrected the record.
“No! Of course not. What kind of cucky question is that, anyway,” Collins asked. “I was referring, of course, to the fact that Hunter Biden is toast, and we’re gonna impeach his ass!”
Just then, Congressman James Sensenbrenner happened to join the press conference.
“Not only did I want to congratulate my fellow Republicans for dragging Hunter Biden all day,” Sensenbrenner said, “but I would also just like to clear my throat for the first time in my life, and I hope you don’t mind nearly 80 years of phlegm being spewed all over you. So, here we go, ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhccccccccccccccccchhhhhh.”
Within a few moments, most of the reporters were drenched in Sensenbrenner’s throat cookies.
“Thank you Congressman, thank you so much,” Gaetz said, pulling a flask out of his suit pocket, and taking a sip. “Let me just reiterate, we have no choice, after this hearing, but to impeach the living dick out of Hunter Biden. I’m not going to argue whether the president enlisted foreign help in subverting our election, because there are just so many words with more than one syllable in them there, and frankly I’m a little too boozed up to focus on those big words. Plus, anyone who votes for me thinks of big words as personal threats anyway. But I will tell you without a shadow of a doubt, Hunter Biden should be impeached.”
Congressman Gym Jordan was next to speak.
“Let me just pick up where Mr. Gaetz’ slurring left off,” Jordan said. “Sure, if President Obama had done any of the things that Trump had done, instead of wear a tan suit or put mustard on his hamburger, we Republicans would have been dancing in the street as we impeached him. But let me just say this — I ignore crimes like a pro. And I’m particularly good at ignoring crimes committed by sexual predators. So…there’s that.”
Jordan’s colleagues slapped him on the back and took turns goosing his butt cheeks.
“It’s time to put all the cards on the table,” Rep. Collins said, “most of us think Richard Nixon got a raw deal, because no matter much we profess to love the Constitution and the freedoms of self-governance it promises, we just love authoritarianism. Think about how much we suck the dick of corrupt cops who murder people in the streets. Of course we’re going to die on this hill, defending a president’s right to put himself above the law.”
Gaetz tripped on his way back to the podium, got up laughing, and said he wanted to “bring the discussion back on topic.”
“Again, I don’ wanna loose sight uuuhhhvvvv what’s important here,” Gaetz slurred, “and that’s Hunter Biden. What did Hunter Bite-n know, and when ddddiiiidddd he know it? Hell, I wannnna put Hunter under oats and as’ him what he knows about Benghazi, Uranium One, the IRS targeting scandal, Fast and Furious, and why he didn’t stop Monica from blowing Bill, but those piece of cowardly shit Democrats won’ lemme. So you know what? Fuck it. FUCK IT. FUCK IT!!”
Gaetz stumbled off, his colleagues following behind, hoping to catch him before he vomited on the House floor and passed out under his desk again. They were unsuccessful. Cleaning crews say they’ll be there all night cleansing the carpets of the stench of Wild Turkey and shame.
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