WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump was spotted this morning pacing around the driveway of the White House. He shouted to reporters that he was “bigly mad and upset” by the Inspector General report based on an exhaustive, 19-month probe of the origins of the FBI’s investigation into Russia’s attempts to subvert the 2016 presidential election.
The report released this week found several instances of FBI investigators making mistakes, but completely and thoroughly debunked any notion of a “deep state conspiracy” as has been advanced by Trump and his surrogates for years. Inspector General Michael Horowitz oversaw a report that ultimately concluded that the FBI had a valid, legal reason for starting its counterintelligence investigation into the Trump campaign for any possible ties to the Russian actors who were attacking the election. While Horowitz told the Senate Judiciary Committee there was no exoneration in his report for the FBI, the simple truth remains that Horowitz and his staff concluded there was no politically-motivated bias that influenced the FBI investigation, and the report highlights text messages from agents that were both pro-Trump and anti-Trump in nature.
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“If you look at the report, and that’s literally what I did — I looked at the report without reading it because I don’t read, really can’t read, and reading is for fucks anyway — it makes it very clear that I am the most picked-upon president of all time,” Trump shouted at reporters today. “Literally no president in the history of our country has ever been treated so poorly or badly. LITERALLY NO ONE. Ex-special-y that cuck Lincoln with his war of aggression on the good, clean, ammo hoarding, slave owning patriots of the South.”
Mr. Trump also told reporters that he could “tell by just looking at the cover” that the IG report contained a conclusion that he, ultimately, “should be able to round-up and execute” his political rivals.
“Fair’s fair, okay? Turnabouts is fair play, and since they had FBI agents who for some reason thought I’d be a bad president, despite me being white and allegedly a billionaire,” Trump explained, “the IG report concludes I should be able to round-up and execute Democrats on 5th Avenue.”
Trump explained he’s not just talking about elected Democrats.
“I mean any Democrat, ever. They all have the same silly notion that I’m some blundering buffoon, a kleptocratic nincompoop and racist,” Trump whined, “as if me wanting to create a special nationality for Jews, or gleefully oversee a policy that puts brown children in cages in concentration camps that I’m racist. They think because I’ve put millions of farmers on welfare through my trade war that I’m dumb. They think, get this, because every single thing I do ultimately benefits Russia that I can’t be trusted. And the real danger is it’s not just Nervous Nancy, Full of Schiff — these are hilarious jokes, by the way, you should all be laughing. A lot. In fact, I hereby order you to laugh.”
Trump stood there for five full minutes, arms crossed, waiting for a chorus of laughs that never came. Farting, Trump proceeded to speak-shout again.
“And as I was saying, it’s not just the elected Democrats, it’s all of them, all of the people who were such traitors to me that they didn’t vote for me,” Trump said. “So, really, the conclusion of this report, in my mind, and that’s the only mind that matters, according to Billy Barr, is that I should start rounding up and executing Democrats. For the good of the land!”
President Trump conceded that Horowitz’ actual report “prolly” makes no such findings. However, he said “that doesn’t matter.” All that matters is what he feels.
“When we say, ‘Fuck your feelings,’ Trump explained, we mean liberals. Because, and this is definitely in the Constitution,” Trump blustered, “liberals aren’t even, technically, humans. Not according to me, and my inspiration Pinochet. He knew what was up. So if they aren’t humans, they’re not Americans, and therefore, I think everyone can agree, it’s time for me to start making Democrats wear special badges, and, if I feel like it, rounding them up and executing them.”
Senator Lindsey Graham, on a break from the judiciary committee’s hearing, told reporters he “completely agrees” with President Trump.
“Someone remind me, we’re in 2019, not 2016, and John McCain is still dead right,” Graham confirmed. “Then, yes, totally. Anything this great, orange savior says I agree with. All hail Trump! By the way, stop asking me why breath smells like mushroom broth and my lips and hands are stained orange. IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, I DO DECLARE!”
Fanning himself, Graham ran off into the sunset.
Attorney General William Barr issued a brief statement supporting Trump’s assertions on the White House lawn.
“President Trump is president, which already makes him God, but since he’s a Republican, he’s THE God,” Barr wrote. “Therefore, yes, of course, he should be able to do anything he wants, up to and including
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.