A Sneak Peak At Trump’s “Ideological Certification” Test

During his highly-anticipated immigration speech, delivered from Phoenix, Donald Trump said he would like to have an “ideological certification” of prospective immigrants performed. Many have chastised this proposal as being antithetical to the very notion of the First Amendment’s protections of freedom of speech, religion, and expression. Trump and his supporters say it is necessary to weed-out potential terrorists. In an effort to quell some of the controversy over the ideological certification test, the Trump campaign has released what they’re calling a “short, sneak-preview” of the kinds of questions that they would want written into the certification exam.

  1. How big do YOU think Emperor President Trump’s hands are?
  2. If you’re going to use a religious text to guide your life as an American you should use a) any religious beliefs you want b) The Sharia Koran c) The One, True, American Christian Bible™.
  3. Do you think it’s ever okay to have sexual feelings about your way hot daughter?
  4. Which of the following Constitutional amendments are unnecessary and should be repealed? a) The First Amendment b) The Second Amendment c) All of them after the 10th Amendment
  5. Do you think it’s possible some Americans are still very racist? a) Only libtards would even care b) Of course not, we’ve had a black president and that changes everything. c) Only libtards would give more than two options on this question
  6. True or False: In America, all are considered equal under the law, but some are just a little more equal.
  7. Rate the following skin tones on the basis of their superiority: Brown, White, Black, Orange
  8. Who is going to pay for the great wall we build on our southern border? a) Mexico b) The United States c) No one because it’s a really fucking dumb and wasteful idea
  9. Who was the best president ever? a) George Washington b) Abraham Lincoln c) Jefferson Davis
  10. True or False: Taco Bell is too Mexican and should be monitored very carefully
  11. True or False: Life doesn’t begin at conception. It begins at sperm production.
  12. Which country was President Barack Obama born in? a) The United States b) Kenya c) We don’t know because clearly his birth certificate is a fake
  13. LGBT people who want to be treated the same under the law as everyone else are a) Asking for their Constitutional rights as ordained by the Constitution b) Facing an uphill, but ultimatley winnable battle c) Uppity
  14. We need voter ID laws in this country to a) ensure voting is secure b) solve a non-existent problem of in-person voter fraud c) keep the blacks, college kids, and seniors from voting
  15. The best term to describe someone who doesn’t agree with you is a) fellow American b) libtard c) cuck d) b & c, you cuck

Trump hasn’t made it clear who would be responsible for writing the final questions that would appear on the ideological certification exam. Michele Bachmann, however, was quoted as saying she’d “love a crack at keeping Muslim extremists out” of her country she said was “only for Christian extremists like Marcus and myself.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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