National Weather Administration Will Rename Next Hurricane “Sherman”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A leading scientific weather organization has announced this morning that they will break with the World Meteorological Organization’s alphabetical naming system for hurricanes and skip to the letter “S” should a new hurricane develop after Hurricane Jose has subsided.

“The way these hurricanes have been hitting only Confederate states, which happen to be Trump states,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieu of the National Weather Administration told reporters, “we didn’t really have any other choice but to name the next one Sherman, did we?”

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Jose is expected to make landfall sometime today, and while it has weakened to tropical storm status, conditions could change and it could intensify again. Regardless of its intensity when it does hit land, Jose is the third massive tropical storm to hit the Gulf Coast in less than three weeks. First Hurricane Harvey dumped trillions of gallons of rain on Texas and surrounding areas, then Irma came and battered Florida and the Caribbean this past weekend, now Jose is closing in on the same regions, and Dr. Hornaydieu says that the NWA had to make a quick decision, in case another hurricane formed in the next few days.

“Obviously we have advanced scientific-y things that go Beep-Bop-Boop and tell us when the next hurricane is going to be,” Hornaydieu said, “but life comes at you awful fast. If you don’t take the time to make hurricane names a little more appropriate, you might just miss it. Chick. Chickachickahhhhhhhhhhhh. Bow. Bow.”

The NWA bounced a few names back and forth, but ultimately landed on “Sherman” as the most appropriate, considering all the factors.

“For a brief time we thought Hurricane Lincoln sounded kinda bad ass,” Hornaydieu said, “and we also thought Hurricane Tubman was a nice touch. Even Hurricane Grant was on the board awhile. But honestly, who better represents karmic retribution on the south quite like William T. Sherman?”

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Asked by reporters if the NWA is perhaps being insensitive, Dr. Hornaydieu disagreed.

“No, I think we’re just finding an appropriate name for a hurricane, based on where it’s hitting and who lives there,” Hornaydieu said, “but we did briefly consider naming the next one Hurricane Climate Change Denial for shits and giggles. We scientists love shits and giggles almost as much as our lab coats, beakers, and pipettes, you know.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
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