Hurricane Harvey: Red Cross Says Thought and Prayer Warehouses Full, Could Use Actual Help Now

CLIMA CHANTE VALLEY, TEXAS — The Red Cross held a press conference today and asked that Americans — both politicians and unelected citizens — refrain from sending any more thoughts or prayers to the areas ravaged by Hurricane Harvey. Instead, a request was made that Americans start sending “more substantive, tangible help.”

“At this point in time all of our thought and prayer warehouses have reached full capacity, and we simply cannot take on any more platitudes,” Red Cross Executive Junior Deputy Media Liaison Henrietta Harmon told the media today, “and instead, we’d like to ask you all send, you know, actual help at this time.”

RELATED: Pat Robertson Warns: God Will Send a Hurricane to All 50 States If ‘Gays Keep Getting Married’

Harmon says that the thoughts and prayers sent to the Gulf Coast are “well intentioned but ultimately meaningless to people who need real world things” to survive the chaos and devastation of a Category 4 hurricane.

“Don’t get me wrong; we love the kind thoughts,” Harmon said, “It’s just that people can’t eat thoughts, and you can’t spend prayers, you know?”

While thoughts and prayers “feel good” for the sender, Harmon says that over time victims of natural disasters have less and less they can do with them.

“Your body needs blood to survive,” Harmon explained, “But happy thoughts and prayers? Ehhhh. Not so much.”

RELATED: George W. Bush Offers to Head Up Trump’s Hurricane Non-Response Team

Ms. Harmon indicated that there are so many thoughts and prayers in the Red Cross warehouses that once Harvey subsides, they’ll have to be redistributed all over the world so they don’t expire and rot.

“We have an entire warehouse just full of those prayer-hand emojis,” Harmon said, “and they technically aren’t even prayer hands; they’re high-fiving each other. We gotta get those emoji spread out all over the world, wherever thoughts and prayers might be useful. Which, again, is not really true anywhere since, you know, they’re just words and all. But we’ll find a good home for these thoughts and prayers, no worries there.”

Current estimates are that over 9 trillion gallons of water have been dumped on Texas by Hurricane Harvey. Multiple states of emergency have been called by the governors in the Gulf states. The White House issued a statement early this morning saying that the “devastation of Harvey is terrible but the Chinese hoax of climate change must be ignored.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This