Hunter Biden to Read Steve Bannon’s Indictment During DNC 2020 Speech

The Democratic National Committee apparently has decided to end its 2020 national convention with a bit of spectacle and perhaps even political bloodsport. Hunter Biden, the man at the center of the most concentrated character assassination Trump loyalists can muster against his father earlier this year, will sit before a camera lens tonight and read Steve Bannon’s criminal indictment, live on-air.

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“To be clear — Hunter had a completely different speech planned for tonight, and was really very prepared to give an eloquent and personal argument for why America should ask Joe Biden to end the Trump nightmare,” Biden campaign spokeswoman Deborah Doborawitz told reporters today at a campaign event in Delaware. “Then, news broke that they finally nailed that bridge troll for something that they could make stick, and well, we decided to embrace the moment and really go for a devastating blow to the most fragile ego on the planet.”

Earlier this morning, U.S. Postal Service agents were among those on hand to arrest Mr. Bannon — a long-time friend and associate of the Trump family and the president’s former adviser — on a yacht. In one of several interesting and embarrassing twists, part of the charges allege that Bannon and Brian Kolfage — a hardline anti-immigrant multiple amputee and war veteran — participated in a scheme to defraud Trump supporters out of millions of dollars in a boondoggle ostensibly to build a border wall. Adding further insult to injury is that Bannon was arrested on one of the boats that “Boaters for Trump” illegally purchased with the pilfered funds, according to court documents.

The president infamously retweeted several videos of Boaters for Trump and has talked about the group during coronavirus task force briefings.

“Literally all we need Hunter to do is go out, smile, tell everyone his name, and then read Steve’s indictment, word for word,” Ms. Doborawitz explained. “Although, we’re thinking it might be fun if he said something like, ‘My name is Hunter Biden, and I’m not speaking to you from federal prison right now, unlike most of Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign officials.’ That might be fun.”

One other idea the DNC is considering is having Hunter lead a virtual crowd in a familiar, albeit modified version, of the most famous political catchphrase from 2016.

“If Hunter were to lead the crowd in a virtual chant of ‘Locked Him Up,'” Doborawitz said, “that would be one hell of an epic Trump troll. And let’s face it — trolling Trump isn’t hard, and it doesn’t win you an election. But GOD-DAMN does it feel good, am I right? I am right. Of course I’m right.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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