Humankind Considers Ending Republicans’ Birthright Membership to the Species

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Representatives from every single country on Planet Earth met recently at the Freedom Tower in New York, New York to discuss whether or not humankind should consider revoking birthright membership to the species for members of the Republican Party. The meeting was held by The Secret Society of Humans That If Conservatives Found Out About They’d Freak Out and Hoard More Ammo, one of the longest-running associations of humans in a non-governmental capacity, in response to a push within the top candidates for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination to end birthright citizenship in the United States. The anti-immigrant move is being touted by the likes of Donald Trump and Scott Walker as a way to discourage undocumented immigrants from coming to the country only to have a child, who would become an official U.S. citizen.

Despite the fact that only the children would be eligible for any federal and most state benefits, conservatives have been up in arms about so-called “anchor babies” since the 2010 mid-terms brought the rise of the Tea Party. But members of TSSHTICFOATFOHMA, or as they call themselves, “Tish,” say that this policy idea is just another in a long line of anti-immigrant xenophobic tactics employed by the nation’s conservatives. They point to times in U.S. history when Irish and Chinese immigration was frowned-upon by lesser-evolved members of society, and that similar attempts to curb immigration were attempted in the past, and always with racist undertones.

“Some people in America,” John Malvoy, TISH’s president, told reporters at a press conference, “are just dead convinced that the reason they’re broke and going nowhere in life is because of evil liberals promising free stuff to everyone, including and especially so-called illegal immigrants.” Malvoy says that “rather than blame the politicians they elected that put policies in place that moved more and more wealth out of the working class and into the One Percent and the financial markets” many conservatives are simply “taught to demagogue the poor and immigrants” because “that’s simpler than coming to grips with the fact they vote against their own best interests in every single election.”

So, says Malvoy, he and his group started emailing each other late last week, and it was decided that TISH needed an emergency meeting to be held. Collectively, they agreed that as representatives of all of humanity, if one group shows a demonstrable lack of human compassion, decency, and common sense, perhaps those are people who aren’t really human after all, and therefore there’s no need to have birthright membership in the human race apply to those people.

“The bottom line,” Malvoy said, “is that we decided until Republicans get back to their roots as the Party of Lincoln, we’re not going to automatically assume a Republican is human.” Malvoy insisted that his group isn’t “looking to do anything but deliver a message to people” and that “as soon as it’s apparent that they’ve moved on from this racist nonsense” he’d immediately move to reinstate birthright membership into humanity for Republicans.

“I want to make something clear,” Malvoy said, “it’s because these morons are actually considering repealing the 14th amendment that we’re so incensed. It’s because they want to strip birthright citizenship, which is absolutely vital to making sure that no race is ever enslaved in this country again, that we’re being so aggressive toward them. That amendment is a cornerstone of our post-Civil War society. Of course, that might be why these regressive thugs want it gone. After all, when you state emphatically in your founding document that all laws must not discriminate, it makes it hard to justify your codified bigotry and discrimination, doesn’t it,” he asked rhetorically.