Hillary Clinton Leaves Voicemail for Roger Stone Apologizing That Her Emails Got Him Locked Up

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton left a voicemail over the weekend for Roger Stone, apologizing for her emails ultimately leading to his arrest.

“Roger, it’s come to my attention that I’m not going to be locked up,” Clinton told Stone, “and I guess it’s probably because of my emails that you stole. Sad!”

Clinton’s voicemail explains that while it’s all Stone’s fault for lying, and for helping the Trump campaign collude with WikiLeaks and Russia, she does feel a “small twinge of sadness” for the people in Stone’s life who love and care for him.

“Luckily though, Roger, all two of those people live inside your mind. You know, that’s the brain that lives inside that rat-like skull of yours,” Clinton says. “Kinda funny that the rat-like king of ratfucking ratfucked his ass into Mueller’s noose, huh Rog? Oh, poor, poor Rog. We all feel very bad for you, by the way. Like, bigly. Please accept my warmest and deepest thoughts and prayers.”

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Former Secretary Clinton does wonder, however, if maybe Stone can see a light at the end of the tunnel, despite his arrest and indictment by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation.

“I mean, you really did want my emails to get someone locked up. You wanted it so much you helped orchestrate their theft. And that got you arrested,” Clinton tells Stone. “So, maybe you can keep your rodent chin up, Roger. Look for the bright side of things. God knows you’re going to need it; we’ve never taken kindly to traitors in this country.”

Before ending the call, Clinton suggests Stone get another tattoo. Mr. Stone famously has a tattoo of his political idol, Richard M. Nixon, on his back. Former Secretary Clinton thinks he’s “got room for more.”

“In prison they do great tattoo work, I hear Roger,” Ms. Clinton told her antagonist. “Maybe you can find someone who tattoo Putin or Trump’s face over your asshole. Or better yet, you can tattoo your own face on the head of your tiny dick, tuck it up between your ass cheeks, and fuck yourself, Roger. Maybe you can do that, you jailbird motherfucker. At least think about it, Fuck E. Cheese.”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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