How One Man’s Straight Marriage Was Totally Ruined By Gay Marriage

“One moment, I was in a completely normal and happy heterosexual marriage,” William Berg told The Political Garbage Chute, “and the next thing I knew that marriage had completely crumbled, and it’s all gay marriage’s fault!”

William lived in the small Florida town of Lake Winter with his wife Susan for ten years before they separated last week. William told our reporter that he’d “gone to bed the night before the Supreme Court ruined America by making it so that two consenting adults can get married to each other” and nothing in his marriage felt wrong. “Well, at least not any more wrong than it had in the past, truth to be told. Something just always felt kind of off, but it’s like my pastor told us right before we got married, ‘Those feelings will go away if you just pray really, really hard to be fundamentally changed from who you are today.’ So I didn’t really think much about it.”

When Mr. Berg awoke the next morning and flipped on the television to see reporters recounting the 5-4 majority decision that made marriage equality the law of the land, he says that it immediately sent “strange, but yet familiar feelings coursing through [his] body, heart and soul.” He decided to go down to the Lake Winter city hall that day and protest the Supreme Court’s decision. “I was going to tell every gay I saw that was coming down there for a marriage license that they were personally responsible for dragging our country to hell. Sure, love may have won, but so did Satan, clearly,” Berg told us.

But when Berg arrived at the court house, he ran into Johnny Gilmartin. The two had played high school football with each other, and Berg said he remembered Gilmartin was “the most yolked, fit linebacker I have ever laid eyes on,” and he went to strike up a conversation with Johnny, who was at city hall to demonstrate as well. However, while William was there to protest, Gilmartin was there to celebrate, because the former linebacker is now an out and proud gay man, and that threw Berg for a loop.

“I was like, ‘Johnny, you’re gay now? Didn’t Pastor Phillips tell you to pray it all away too?’ Johnny told me that Pastor Phillips had told him to pray it away initially, but then over time he started picking up on mixed signals from Pastor Philips, and the next thing Johnny knew, the two of them were making out in the rectory,” William told our interviewer. “He told me that Pastor Philips ended up awakening his true self, and that for the last five years he’s been living his gay lifestyle in an out and proud way, and then he said I could do the same thing. At first I was really defensive. I was married, to a woman no less. I had prayed every day for a decade to be un-gay or at least have the gay feelings deep within my heart, soul and loins to subside. But he just looked so amazing in the Florida sun, and well…”

That’s when Berg told The Political Garbage Chute that he and Johnny walked to a nearby coffee house and “just talked for hours, catching up on everything.” Berg says that after three hours talking over their childhood and football something “came over” him, and the next thing he knew, he was coming over Johnny.  “We did every sexual thing imaginable to each other. We got each other off so hard and so much I lost my job from calling in sick so many days in a row to stay home and boff Johnny. I was head over in heels in love with a man I’d known my whole life, and nothing felt better! The air was cleaner, fresher, and more breathable. The sun was somehow brighter. I thought nothing could possibly go wrong in my life anymore.”

Just five days after encountering Johnny, the two decided to get married. “That’s when the rug got pulled out from under me,” Berg says. “Apparently despite what conservative media had told me all those years, gay marriage didn’t lead to polygamy or multiple marriages right away. In fact, every time I told people that I was now gay and going to get married to Johnny they’d ask when I was leaving Susan. I didn’t think I was going to have to do that because gay marriage was now the law of the land, and Rush Limbaugh had sworn to me for over two decades that when this day came, it’d mean all kinds of marriages that we’d normally not want would have to be recognized. Rush was wrong! Can you believe it,” Berg asked rhetorically.

“And then I got served with papers from my wife. She was divorcing me,” Berg told us. “Just because I was getting gay married, she wanted to end our straight marriage. So there you have it, my totally healthy and normal straight marriage was ruined by gay marriage…my own gay marriage.”