How 3 House Republicans Spent The First Day of Their Fundraising Vacation — Oops! — The Government Shutdown

The government is shut.  It was shut by those who are brain-dead, and the brain-dead keep it, until the time comes. The government is shut.

So here we are, a little over a full day into the 2013 Republican Wet Dream or, government shutdown to you and me. National parks are closed, and if you had an application for a government-backed loan out, you’re going to be waiting for some time longer to get a response on that. I was curious how our elected officials spent day one of their all-expenses paid vacation from legislation, so I reached out to the offices of three Congresspeople — Representatives Paul Ryan, John Boehner and Michele Bachmann — to see just what their first day of shutdown was like, and anything they did that was special or unique.

I got three lovely letters back from each of them.

Rep. Paul Ryan’s New Constitution

Ryan’s response was written on the back page of a Bible he’d bought me with all the places where God and Jesus said to force poor and sick people to reach some arbitrary standard of morality before you helped them in it. The holy book was marker free.

“Thanks for taking the time to ask me what I did on the first glorious day of the shutdown that the Baby Jesus has provided us! I didn’t think liberals were capable of actually caring about people since all they want to do is give folks in need help without jumping through any flaming hoops or even peeing in a cup first! But it’s awesome to get this chance to reveal what I’ve been doing the last 36 hours. 

I am currently drafting a new Constitution that we, the House Republicans, will make a key component of our demands to end the government shutdown. Unless Harry Reid and President Obama agree to completely throw-out the old Constitution that all us NeoCons have been pretending to worship and replace it with my new version, we are never going to fund the Government. 

Fear not, though, fellow Americans! The only real changes I made to our current Constitution are very minor. Here’s a short synopsis:

– poor people will be considered to be three-fifths, or 66% of an actual American, and therefore only entitled to three-fifths of their constitutionally-protected rights, as well as only getting three-fifths of their Social Security when they retire. 

– human life is now defined as “the moment of ejaculation or ovulation.” Yes, that means that women on their periods might technically be thrown in jail if they reach the point of menstruation without fertilizing the egg, thereby letting a human life (her egg) die. But hey, we just want to protect all lives on this Earth. Until they’re born. Then fuck those babies straight to hell, Takers.

– No one named “Barack Obama” or “Hillary Clinton” can be president ever, ever , ever.”

Boehner’s Bender

Speaker of the House John Boehner’s response was written on a receipt from a bar, time stamped at 8:00 AM,  in very blurred and hardly legible handwriting. I think he was writing it as he was in the middle of a bender.

“Hey James, you dick! (hahahahahahaha, I’m fucking funny when I’m drunk, huh?) What did I do? You want to know what I did with allllthis extra time I got, you sonofabitch? (Hahaha, so fucking hilarious!) I went down to the Syphilitic Elephant — my favorite watering hole you jackass (hahahaha!) and I (illegible) a donkey’s ass, that’s what I did!

Hahahahaha!

No, no, really. I just got a li’l drunk with my breakfast and lied down on the couch in my office with a bottle of scotch (for the headache), you assface! (Hahahahahahaha!)

Kiss my grits (LOL),

Jack B”

The Merry Old Land of Derp

Rep. Bachmann’s letter was hand-written in giant red letters, scrawled in crayon.

“Hello, this is Representative Michele Bachmann  from the United States of America on planet Earth! It was so wonderful to get your inquiry on how my first day of shutdown went. As you know, I was completely thrilled to see my colleagues’ efforts to shut down this terrible government that I’ve run on multiple times to be a willing participant in have come to fruition, but I was nearly not here today to write this letter to you.

You see, I was out walking with my beard husband – er I mean my bearded husband — Marcus around our lovely yellow-bricked street. When what should fall out of the sky all of sudden but a house, carried by a tornado! I took one look at my red sparkly shoes and ran as fast as I could to get out of the way of the falling house. Fortunately for Marcus and I, the house suddenly changed courses and wound up touching down somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness. We heard a faint, “Ow, that hurt, you betcha!” in the distance as the house crashed down.

So after that happened, Marcus and I went back home for some private couple time that all couples need. It’s been years since we had this kind of intimate time, and we are so grateful to have it. So we went home, got into bed, and fired up an all-day “That Girl” marathon followed by eighteen hours straight of Bravo TV!

What a great day it was. Tomorrow we’re going to polish each other’s knobs. You know, from our doorknob collection.”