Houston: Conservatives Assert Their Right to Know Where You’re Pooing

HOUSTON, TEXAS — Phillip Grant describes himself as a “modern libertarian.” Grant, 25, is a lifetime native of Houston, Texas, and in the 2015 off cycle election, he was one many conservative Houstonians who voted to reject an anti-LGBT ordinance, and he is very unapologetic for his vote.

“The way I see it, because I don’t know what it’s like to feel like I’m inside the wrong body, that no one should, and if they do,” Grant told us via phone interview, “then that’s their fault for giving into their confusion instead of having rock-solid principles to stand behind.” Grant said that people like former Houston Astros player and winner of the “Guy Who Has a Head That Looks Exactly Like a Jug Filled With Dough Award” for 2012 Lance Berkman made good points about not letting men into women’s restrooms, even when he was told by our reporter that to the transgender people impacted, they are not using the incorrect restroom; they are using the restroom designed for the gender they identify with.

“Well that’s just great, what if I identify as a unicorn,” Grant asked rhetorically, “does that mean I get to sue the government to build unicorn-accessible bathrooms? Just how far does this cultural Marxist assault on our freedoms have to go before Americans outside of Houston wake up,” Grant asked rhetorically. When asked if he meant to imply that real human beings who don’t identify with their birth gender are akin to fictitious, hypothetical people who believe that they are a different species than human, Grant snorted and said, “If the cultural Marxism fits,” though he never actually finished that sentence.

Grant told our interviewer that he didn’t think it was inconsistent with his belief in small government to reject Proposition 1 because according to him, “The smallest a government can get would be to crawl up your butthole, and guess what gets used a lot in bathrooms? Buttholes, exactly. The state has a right to know where you’re pooping and peeing, and if it’s not in the room designed for the poop and pee of your birth gender, then you are doing something wrong and don’t deserve protection from ridicule or scorn.”

Our reporter asked Grant if he thought the main thrust of the bill was to protect LGBT citizens from discrimination in just bathrooms, or if it was meant more as a broad bill to cover discrimination based on race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Grant again snorted in disdain for the question and said, “Oh sure, they’ll sneak in the bullshit through the backdoor by calling it ‘equality’ or whatever, but what happened to my right to be a bigot and hurt those people based on my shallow, superficial judgments of their behavior against the prism of my own morality?”

“You’d think that being small government conservatives that we’d defend everyone’s right to privacy first,” Grant said as the interview was ending, “but not when it comes to us having to deal with the fact that someone may live their life differently than we live ours!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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