WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than a week after enraging Congressional Democrats by sneaking harsh, new abortion restrictions into bipartisan anti-human trafficking bill, House Republicans plan to sneak yet another bit of language into a seemingly unrelated bill, and this time it will almost certainly enrage the political left in the United States. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, sources close to Speaker John Boehner have made it known that Republicans intend to sneak a “Brown Musket” clause into a new jobs bill they intend to bring to the floor later this month. Critics of Boehner’s tenure as the head of one half of one-third of the government have often said he is more concerned with grandstanding and playing political theater than actually passing laws to help Americans, and according to the anonymous aides, he wants to change all that, but not without, in their words, “reminding that Imperial Dictator Kenyan Obama that Congress is co-equal” to the presidency.
“Congressional Republicans, under the tremendous leadership and guidance of Speaker Boehner,” the aides told us, “will insert language into the first jobs bill we have proposed in quite some time that will allow any Republican in Congress to go to the White House and give President Obama a ‘brown musket,’ no questions asked.” But exactly is a brown musket, we asked them. “You’ve never heard of a brown musket,” the aide asked barely containing his laughter. “It’s when you drop your pants, sneak up really close to someone while they sleep, and then rip the gnarliest, stinkiest fart you can, right in their faces. You know…a brown musket.”
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid’s office sent The Political Garbage Chute a statement, vowing to filibuster not only the human trafficking bill should it still contain the anti-abortion language, but also “any and all attempts to slip the American people a mickey.” Democratic Senator Liz Warren said she’s “appalled” that her colleagues in the Republican Party in the lower chamber have “decided to focus on political theater at a time when we have a student debt crisis, an immigration crisis, not enough people have good paying jobs and climate change is threatening to wreak more and more havoc every day.” She said she “suspects that’s the point though, to distract their voters from the fact that President Obama is by and large doing a good job” and that they “need a big shiny object to get everyone riled up while they hold the line for the corporate lobbyists.”
We asked Boehner’s aides why the Republicans would be spending time trying to sneak language into bills they know many in the country wouldn’t support, knowing full-well that once it’s discovered either Reid and the Democrats will filibuster the bill into oblivion, or President Obama will veto it should it somehow pass through the Senate to his desk. “Silly question,” the aides shot back at us. “Republicans know that Democrats are just renting the White House now, and that in 2016 when we show the country that we are serious by trotting out a cavalcade of candidates who are willing to say the most regressive, anti-populist, anti-modernity things on the record in an effort to secure their base only to attempt an on-a-dime heel turn toward moderation, we will take the White House back. Then, New Republican President McGee just has to get the bills back on his desk, sign them, and America is back on the path to its best days; when women couldn’t vote and you could own anything or…anyone you chose to.”
“Also, we do it because we know the way to prove you’re a fiscally conservative, serious politician is to waste money on stupid stunts like this, duh-doy.”