House Republicans Will Investigate Link Between American Cruise Ship in Cuba and Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When the Carnival cruise ship Adonia docked in Havana, Cuba, it was the first time a ship from the United States had done so over five decades.

While many are hailing the development as a victory for peace, ambassadorial good will, and global stability, House Republicans are livid. Ranking members have asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) to allow them to investigate the story as part of their special committee that is already investigating the September 11th, 2012 attacks on a U.S. compound in Benghazi, Libya. Word on the Hill is that Ryan is going to give them permission to do just that.

“Here’s what we know. We know that an American cruise ship docked in Havana,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), who is leading the Benghazi investigation, told reporters this morning, continuing, “We know that President Obama was in Cuba last month. We also know for a fact that the president is a communist working in the service of George Soros and Saul Alinsky’s ghost.”

Gowdy also listed as facts of the case that “Cuba is a communist country,” and “Benghazi happened.”

“Put all that together,” Rep. Gowdy insisted, ” and bim-bam-boom, we’re pretty sure Obama, Hillary Clinton, or both, should go to jail. For something. Just not sure what yet.”

At a prayer breakfast in D.C. later that morning, Speaker Ryan addressed reporters’ questions about this new development. Ryan told the press that he was “not going to rest on [his] laurels” and that “the American people elected us to waste taxpayer money in any way we see fit, as long as it will ultimately bring down Hillary Rodham Clinton and/or Barack Obama.”

“Is there a connection between Benghazi, Obama, Cuba, and Castro,” Ryan asked rhetorically, “well, some might say ‘no’ out of hand. But I ask you this — are they all humans? Are they all, in fact, carbon-based life forms? Well, Cuba and Benghazi are places on a map, but the others? They’re human. And call me crazy, call me partisan, call me full of shit and a worthless demagogue of the poor, call me a misanthropic, self-obsessed, anti-populist hack douchebag if you want, but where I come from, that’s more than enough of a connection to warrant months of testimony and investigation at the taxpayers’ expense.”

Reached for comment, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA), who led the first round of Benghazi investigations, told reporters from a warehouse he was “just checking out so don’t worry about the matches and gasoline in [his]hands,” that he was “super totes jealous of Trey getting to investigate” his “favorite worthless and meaningless scandal” for another few weeks. He said he “has no doubt the right evidence will be found or fabricated that will vindicate the Republicans for this dalliance in to derpitude.”

Clinton and Obama released a joint, one word response to this news.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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