WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after House Republicans embarrassed themselves by having to pull a 20-week abortion bill they thought for sure would pass, the social conservative wing of the party has come up with a new bill they like even more. While the original 20-week abortion ban bill was pulled over concerns that female Republican members of the House had regarding how narrow the rape exception was, the people at The Christian-American Foundation for Returning America to Its Christians Roots (CAFRAICR for short) believe they have helped craft a bill that every Republican will clamor all over themselves to vote for. The “Life Begins Before Conception Act of 2015” would establish as Constitutional law that life begins not at conception like social conservatives have argued for decades, but rather at a milestone even earlier than conception — the production of sperm or eggs within Americans’ reproductive systems.
“What we’re trying to do here is establish a precedent for Americans to start thinking really, really deeply about where life really begins,” explained Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ). Franks is known for his emotional pleas during House subcommittees to ban abortion outright, even when the topic at hand for the committee isn’t abortion rights at all. According to CAFRAICR, that’s why they chose Franks to lead the charge and sponsor their bill. “And for us,” Frank continued at a recent press conference, “that means when either a sperm or a lady-sperm is created by the person in question’s body.”
“If we are to believe that life begins at conception, but we ignore that two living organisms had to combine to make conception happen,” reasoned Michael Mickelson, spokesman for CAFRAICR, “what message is that sending to our sperms and eggs? Who could look a sperm in the eye and say to them, ‘Sorry, sperms, just because at this point you’re nothing more than a microscopic, single-celled organism without any sentience whatsoever, you’re not entitled to your full Constitutionally-protected set of rights’?”
Reporters at the Franks press conference asked him what that means about men who masturbate, or women who donate eggs. Would they be tried under Federal law for such acts? “Well, obviously the first step with any new sweeping prohibition law like this is to make sure it disproportionately effects poor people and minorities, like drug laws. We need to make sure that no matter what the math would imply, that minorities get jailed for breaking these laws more than whites. It’s just the American Way, really,” said Franks. When pressed for another answer he said, “Once this law passes and it’s signed into law by whatever president is in office after we impeach both Obama and Biden for Oval Officing While Democrats, you’ll be taking your life and the lives of billions of Spermatozoa Americans in your own bare, sweaty, hairy, hands, yes.”
Our reporter was able to ask Frank what kind of penalties Americans could expect for breaking the new laws. “Stiff ones. Super stiff,” responded Franks. “As you know, we conservatives believe in small government. That’s why as part of this bill, we’ll ask for Congress to aside funding to have cameras installed in every bathroom and living room so that we can tell who is jerking off and when, and if we catch you pulling it to completion, you’ll probably be charged with Spermicide In the First Degree. We call it ‘government so small it can fit in your pee holes.'” When asked if that meant that condoms with lubricants that kill sperm would be outlawed, Franks rolled his eyes and said, “Duh-doy.”
When asked by a member of The Rochester Daily Bugler about how he could justify sending people to jail for “killing” organisms that don’t have brains capable of any thoughts whatsoever, Franks had a very quick reply. “You’re talking to a Republican now. 90% of our constituents vote like they don’t have a brain in their heads anyway. This is no different. Also: screw science.”