House Republicans Admit to Smoking ‘Just Enough’ Crack Before Planned Parenthood Hearing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the fact that an independent investigator hired by Planned Parenthood to do forensic testing on sting videos released by The¬†Center for Medical Progress — a strident anti-abortion rights group — found that not only were the admittedly edited videos altered, but the so-called source videos were as well, Congressional Republicans began hearings on the videos this week. Many critics of the hearings point to the forensic evidence as well as the fact that investigations in no less than five states have cleared Planned Parenthood of the allegations made by the CMP as evidence that the GOP is staging political theater and putting the health of millions of women at risk in the process. However, a new explanation has emerged from sources close to several top House Republicans as to why the hearings are going forth when to so many millions of Americans this is nothing more than a witch hunt.

“Our bosses smoked just enough crack to make the videos believable,” one source close to Speaker John Boehner said, on condition of anonymity. The Boehner aide said that “since anyone with half a brain cell can understand what’s going on here” that the GOP establishment decided “to require all the Republican caucus members to smoke whatever amount of crack cocaine would be necessary to treat the highly-doctored videos as something other than obvious propaganda.”

One source close to Rep. Louie Gohmert said that his boss “operates in life like he’s on crack anyway” but that “he also never shies away from a chance to smoke some good, quality, red-blooded American patriot crack.” The Gohmert aide said that the Texas Republican is “highly concerned about the fake interviews he saw” and he “will not rest until all the out of context, scientifically illiterate stones have been turned.”

“How the hell are we going to turn this into Planned Parenthoodghazi if too many of us can clearly see and acknowledge the obvious multimedia chicanery involved in producing the videos,” reportedly asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), who is also heading up a congressional inquiry in the September 11th, 2012 attacks on a U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya. “That is why,” an anonymous Gowdy aide told us he said, “we must pony up to the glass dick and suck away until we actually believe those horse shit videos.”

According to several top congressional aides, the crack smoking took place roughly thirty minutes before the hearing did. One person on the staff of Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) said his boss wanted to “make sure the crack was hitting just as the clearly doctored videos were played” and that “once he was extremely high on the crack cocaine, even the fact that the source material was itself edited didn’t bother him one bit.”

One staffer we spoke to, she said her boss — a Republican from Texas — told her that “it’s so much easier to defund an organization that provides vital health services to poor and working women based on a political which hunt when you’ve got that sweet, sweet crack running through your system” and that “we were all crazy high when we defunded ACORN” because “these right-wing sting videos look worse than 1970’s era porn, the way they’re cut together so terribly.”

“If you think about it,” one aide told us, “you pretty much have to be on something pretty strong to live in 2015 and truly believe that climate change is a hoax, abstinence only sex education works, and that our unique brand of democracy is what the world really needs more than anything. You have to be sort of high on some kind of substance to not see the parallels between the civil rights movements of the 1940’s, 50’s and 60’s and today’s struggle for LGBT equality. Hell, you have to be on something good to actually believe we’ve made enough progress with racism in this country that we can stop giving legal protections to minorities just because we have a half-black president,” the said, continuing to add, “so no one should be at all surprised that a little crack was smoked to get everyone into the…ahem…right state of mind, so to speak.”