WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elected conservative politicians throughout the country are starting to test the bounds of constitutional law. In Mississippi, two conservative Democrats are trying to score some points with their red state constituents by co-sponsoring a bill int he state legislature that would officially make The Bible the state’s book. No word on whether it’ll be the King James or New International versions of Christendom’s holy book has been released as of yet, but that might not matter as there seems to be clause in the Constitution of the United States of America that expressly forbids government from promoting one religion over the other, and the 14th Amendment in the very same constitutional document applies the same rules across all fifty states in the union.
Conservative politicians, however, don’t seem to be too concerned with the constitutional efficacy of the laws they propose. From abortion bans that violate Roe v. Wade in spirit if not intention to laws that are attempts to nullify Federal gun laws, conservatives in America understand that because they profess a love of the Constitution louder and more zealously than more progressive people do, they are allowed to flout the Constitution and ignore its rules and laws whenever they want. Republican State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen recently told The Political Garbage Chute, “It’s just that we conservatives have studied the founders so much we know exactly what it is they meant to create over 238 years ago, and we intend to keep this country in that time period as long as possible; even if that means completely ignoring the document we treat nearly as reverentially as the Holy Bible.”
It’s with the idea in mind that conservatives just innately more in-tune with what the founders intent was that several House Republicans have started to draft a bill that would drastically change how the American government works. According to rampant rumors on the Hill, Congressional Republicans are extremely upset that despite the fact that they control both chambers in Congress and the Supreme Court they don’t control the White House. Some have suggested to simply take a few more pages out of their recent playbook and further game the electoral process. “Without a doubt,” said one Republican staffer speaking on condition of anonymity, “the success of our poll taxes — er I mean, voter ID laws — and gerrymandering have really helped us solidify our death grip on the American political process. Just look at the fact that President Obama has received on aggregate over 135 million votes in his two electoral victories while if you combine the vote tallies our entire party got for all the Congressional seats we ran for, you’d not even beat the Congressional Democrats, much less the President’s total. But here we are, running two-thirds of the government anyway. We want more.”
The same Republican staffer tipped The Chute off to what the GOP plans to do. The White-Out the White House Act of 2015 would not only make President Obama’s administration go away, it would wipe out the Executive Branch altogether. Thompaulsen explained his party’s idea as being part of its hatred of government spending. “If there is anything that threatens this great nation, it’s very clearly government spending. We have done some studies and have found that you are far more likely to die from government spending than all cancers combined. Government spending we’re also fairly sure caused AIDS to happen, and it’s also responsible for the Bermuda Triangle phenomenon, as well as Justin Bieber’s entire discography.” Thompaulsen says his party will “take the most positive steps toward reducing government spending ever” when they pass The White-Out the White House Act.
“The WOW-HA will effectively wipe-out 238 years of executive overreach — the worst of which always, always, always, always done by liberals or progressives — by retroactively deleting the executive branch,” Thompaulsen explained. He went on to describe this proposed law as “the best way we have to restore this country to what it once was — a disparate band of loosely affiliated nation-states.
Some critics on the left have immediately pointed out that the bill as proposed is completely unconstitutional, since there is no clause anywhere in the Constitution that would allow one branch to effectively delete the other from existence. A staffer close to Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) responded to such criticisms by insisting, “look, we conservatives don’t need our actions to be technically constitutional. Hell, we keep trying to insist states have a right to leave the union even though there is no out clause in the Constitution and it’s settled case law since the late nineteenth century. We’ll figure out a way to make this bill work, and when it hits President Obama’s desk, his decision whether or not to eliminate his own job will tell the real, true, red-blooded, God-fearing, Baby Jesus Kissing Americans everything they need to know about Maobama the Spender and his vile addiction to spending their hard-earned money.”
The White-Out the White House Act of 2015 is still in the very early stages, say sources close to Republican leadership. Thompaulsen said that “the bill is still being written, and leadership is still trying to figure out which committee it should go through before it hits the floor for a vote, then the American people will see what real, Republican leadership looks like. It looks like fundamentalists gone completely mad, by the way, in case anyone out there forgot about our presidential blowjob crusade back in the late 90’s.”
Republicans will control two-thirds of the United States Federal Government for the next two years.