WASHINGTON, D.C. — With just days left in their lame duck session before handing control of the House of Representatives to the Democrats, House Republicans have set their sights on other (non-existent) political targets that they feel threaten their agenda to finally bring America back to the 1840’s where it belongs.
The first such example will be the “No More Free Stuff For Freeloading Kids Act,” a bill sponsored by every Republican in the House that will stop any and all government funds from being sent to the North Pole in preparation for Santa Claus’ annual gift giving on Christmas Eve.
According to soon to be retired Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “Santa Claus is a symbol of socialism run amok. Why do all good kids get gifts? Shouldn’t the children of job creators be given the gifts? They’re the ones who will have to pay for all the free stuff from the kids of the Takers, aren’t they? At the very least, we feel Job Creator Kids should get at least 80% more toys than the Taker Kids, and until Santa in his RED COMMIE SUIT agrees to those changes, we’re going to shut down Christmas entirely.”
Reached for comment on why her colleagues in the House would de-fund a mythological entity, incoming Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said, “When you’re the party that believes in mythological fiscal policies like Trickle Down and Austerity, it’s not a far leap of logic to assume that Santa Claus is real. If reality was a road block to Republicans we’d have a jobs bill on its way to the Senate right now.” Pelosi also said that she’s heard rumblings that Chairman of the House Committee on Government Oversight and Reform, Rep Darrell Issa (R-CA) is planning to hold at least 1500 separate congressional hearings on whether America should send aid to Great Britain to maintain their vast network of wizarding schools.
“I’m not sure the American people and their unanimous and universal adherence to the One True Christian Faith would be too pleased with us sending money over to our former enemies to keep their Satan-Worshiping magic schools like Hogwarts open.” When informed that Hogwarts, Harry Potter, Voldemort, and wizardry itself is made-up fiction, Issa scrunched up his face like he’d been sucking on a lemon, shook his head three times and shouted at the top of his lungs, “BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!” Then he disappeared in a cloud of sulfurous smoke and car alarm parts.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders says the president is proud of the members of his party that are “embarking on Quixotic crusades against things that don’t exist.”
“Chasing after non-existent Boogeymen is a time-honored tradition in the Republican Party. FEMA camps, government ammunition hording, The New Black Panther Party, voter fraud, the sinister liberal agenda, Obama’s birth certificate, Trickle Down economics, and the Red Scare,” Huckabee Sanders said between bites of nacho cheese covered bagel bites, “these are all shining achievements in Republican Fiction. We intend to continue that tradition by ending our dependence on socialist foreign nations for our Yuletide gift giving.”
No word yet from Republicans on whether Narnia, Middle Earth or The Death Star will also be de-funded, but as we all know, any government spending is bad unless the military is doing it, so it would appear The Death Star at least is safe for now.