House Benghazi Committee Will Dunk Hillary in Water To See If She Floats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) say the House Select Benghazi Committee will begin using a new interrogative method at the behest of Gowdy himself — binding former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s limbs and throwing her into the Potomac River to see if she floats.

“If the former Madam Secretary’s body should rise and breach the river’s surface,” one aide told the media, “we will know that she used some kind of vile chicanery her kind is capable of. If she sinks and drowns, then we know she was being honest with us about Benghazi.” The aide said Gowdy believes this tactic will “finally get the results” House Republicans have been “waiting over three years over.”

Republicans have come under intense scrutiny in the last week and a half since House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) told Fox News host Sean Hannity that he and his fellow Grand Old Partiers were pleased with the damage the Benghazi committee had done to Ms. Clinton’s 2016 presidential aspirations. Many critical of the Republicans, their leadership, and the multiple investigations into the attack that have cost millions and ultimately not found any evidence of criminality within the Obama Administration pounced on McCarthy’s comments and there is a sense that helped contribute to the California Republican withdrawing his name from consideration for the race to become the next Speaker of the House when John Boehner (R-OH) retires, which has been apparently delayed while the GOP sorts out its internal power struggles.

“While the party leadership may be in a bit of chaos,” one Hill staffer told reporters, “the Benghazi hearings remain solely focused on Ms. Clinton’s emails, as well as whether her teats — or any other body parts — are extremely cold to the touch. Republicans will not rest until all the right people are held accountable for that senseless tragedy, or until we have rid the country of all the covens and its members.”

Reportedly, Gowdy has said behind closed doors that binding and dunking Clinton could be just the first in a series of new methods he wants to employ to extract information about the attacks on the consular outposts in Libya that have become a lightning rod for conservatives who believe the Obama Administration abandoned four Americans and left them to die at the hands of Al Qaeda-affiliated operatives. Though the investigations thus far have not uncovered any evidence to support that claim, Gowdy has told staffers that he will “use whatever” he has to, one aide said, to get the results he’s looking for.

“People like Hillary Clinton,” one source very close said while speaking on condition of anonymity,”they have learned all kinds of ways to hide their inner darkness from the public. They have trained themselves to look normal, like the rest of us, but Rep. Gowdy isn’t fooled. He knows when he’s looking at someone who uses evil magic and curses to advance their personal political agendas.” The staffer said “whether it’s dunking her in the river, putting her into a vice and pressing her until she confesses, or simply burning her at the stake” Republicans will “win the day.”

Ms. Clinton currently leads all contenders in both major parties in nearly every nationally-recognized poll of potential voters.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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