WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) has been given the go-ahead from fellow Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (WI) to include the “chemical compounds in and national security risks wrapped-up hereto” in the flatulence President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Africa Somewhere) will be expelling after his visit to Vietnam over the weekend. Obama, who was photographed with celebrity chef and author Anthony Bourdain having a meal together in the Southeastern Asian country, has not officially responded to questions from the press about this new development.
“Look, the bottom line here is very simple,” Gowdy told reporters at a press conference where he announced Ryan’s support for his his new investigative effort, “we don’t know what we don’t know about Benghazi, and so it is entirely possible, plausible and based in nothing but absolute reality and not whacko conspiracy theories at all, that President Obama wen to ‘Nam and had a meal with Mr. Bourdain purely to cover up something related to Benghazi for his best friend Hillary Rodham Clinton. Since we don’t have any evidence to refute this postulation, clearly the rational thing to do is to assume none exists and that therefore proves it’s right, and hence the millions we will now spend investigating this link will not in any way be wasted so don’t fucking say they are, okay guys?”
When asked why the committee would focus on Obama’s rectal gas expulsions, Gowdy let out a deep, southern-accented guffaw.
“Well shucks little lady,” Gowdy said to the male reporter, “it’s really, again, a very simple concept. Clearly if Obama was there, in ‘Nam, eating ‘Namish food, he was also going to stuff evidence that incriminates Hillary into that food, and eat it. Ergo, that evidence has only one place to go, and everyone knows the fart is the lonely cry of the turd.”
Gowdy said it would be “uncouth, ungentlemanley and just plain gross” to ask Obama for a stool sample, and so that is why he thinks smelling Obama’s posterior odoriferous issuance would be a “wise compromise.”
“Look, I’m not saying I’m going to get down there near his bee-hind and get a whiff so strong it holds the key to finally impeaching him with just a few months left in his second term,” Gowdy said, “but at this point we Republicans have gotten so used to holding a congressional inquiry over every burp and sneeze this man has anyway, that it just kinda felt like the natural progression of things to start hypothesizing about his farts, know what I mean? Of course you do. This fart investigation — like everything else we’ve done in relation to President Obama — is logical, rational, sane, a good use of taxpayer money, and based around reasonable assumptions based on the facts, and not anecdotal conspiracy theories.”
This is a developing story.