Hey Dummy,

Are you fucking kidding us with this shit, you orange sack of shit? You really think that you’re the politician to be treated most unfairly? We are a little gobsmacked to say the least, after reading a piece in Salon up here in the presidential suite of eternity.

Here’s a quote from the article for you, Diarrhea Golem:

“Look at the way I’ve been treated lately . . . especially by the media,” Trump said, while talking about overcoming adversity. “No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.” The president told the college graduates that “you can’t let the critics and the naysayers get in the way of your dreams, I guess that’s why we won.”

You really sure you want to go with that line, Donny Dumbfuck? We don’t want to be obtuse about it, but we can think of a couple of dudes who had a little rougher go of it than you.

Us.

Abe was shot in the back of the fucking head, you dimwit. And that was after he was forced to drag the country into an honest to God civil war because the states that largely voted for you tried to quit America when he was elected. And why did they try to quit? Because they still wanted to own black people like property and they thought Abe here was a big ol’ threat to their livelihoods in that whole “buying and selling human beings like cattle thing.”

POLL: Literally Fucking Nobody Wants This Douchebag To Run For President Right Now

Honest Abe was plugged in the back of the head with John Wilkes Booth’s bullet. You’ve been quoted verbatim. You’ve had a few embarrassing details leak out of your own administration. And yes, you’ve been called for being guilt of obstruction of justice, because you were too stupid to realize firing a career lawman after you tried to get him to do you a favor would come back to bite you in your giant orange ass. Maybe next time don’t be guilty of obstruction of justice and light treason, if you don’t want to have your delicate little snowflake feelings hurt, Donny.

And then there’s Johnny. We can almost forgive you not remembering Abe Lincoln, even though he’s arguably the most famous, popular, and well-known president ever. But you were actually alive when John was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas. You weren’t even a little kid, you were 17 years old! We’re not sure, but we’re pretty positive you were well on your way to grabbing unaware pussy and failing upward by then! You were only a few months away from dodging the draft with your “bone spurs,” Donny.

So really, you have no excuse for not thinking of John. You really don’t. Frankly, you don’t have an excuse, a man of your advanced years, for any of the shit you’ve been pulling. Look, Abe suspended habeus for fuck’s sake, but even he didn’t try to tear down the institutions of our democracy, if anything, he went to war in an attempt — in his view anyway — to fucking preserve them.

We were thinking about giving you some advice from the presidential beyond. We were thinking of doing this for the good of the nation. After all, as you’re so fond of telling people you won fair and square. Albeit with help from Russia, which does in fact make you very special, and we know that gives you a certain turgidity in your pantaloons. But as we started to come up with some simple pointers — like for instance how not to divulge secrets to your enemies — you go and make that terrible speech the day after we all find out you tried to pressure the FBI director into doing your bidding.

This is a scary and disturbing pattern, but not one either of us are shocked by. We watched you during the campaign. We did some research on you. This is how you’ve behaved your whole life. A selfish, entitled, spoiled brat. How sad and ironic that the Republican Party — Abe’s party — is the one that made fun of Obama for eight years about how unserious and unqualified he was for the job, only to hand it to the orange shit clown that trolled him with a racist rumor for years.

So this made us change what our advice to you would be, quite dramatically in fact. The good news for all of us is that it drastically simplifies our message, and we all know you need things spelled out for you as simply as possible, like a drunk toddler doing a bong rip. Allow us to give you that advice right now.

Quit. Quit you fucking egomaniac. Quit.

Thanks for Your Time, A-Hole,

JFK and AL

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.