HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Executives at Harbor Gate Productions have given the green light to yet another “reboot” of a popular film from the past. This time, it’s a rehash of the classic Brian De Palma directed and Oliver Stone written film, “Scarface.” While Hollywood has shown no reluctance to rehash or reboot popular past films in recent years, this time there’s a significant twist — the film will star Donald Trump.
“We’d been kicking around a new Scarface script for some time,” Harbor Gate Deputy Assistant Executive Producer Jane Halloway told reporters in a conference call, “but we could never settle on an actor to play the titular role. Then, at the first presidential debate, we found just the tit.”
Halloway said that Trump’s near constant sniffing and snorting gave her the idea to cast him as the new Tony Montana. She then reached out to a few other execs at Harbor Gate, who all agreed the orange-tinted alleged billionaire would be perfect for the role.
“Tony Montana is a coke sniffing criminal with no regard for anyone but himself,” Halloway said, “and he builds his empire with questionable ethics and morality. That pretty much sums up Donny Trump to a flaming, lowercase T.”
The new film will need several “key changes,” Halloway announced. Chief among them, the title character’s race and nationality.
“Obviously it would be funny to have Trump play someone of Latino or Hispanic descent,” Halloway said, “but we just don’t think the guy who called all Mexicans rapists and murderers would come off as a very convincing immigrant from a Spanish-speaking country. We’re thinking we’ll change his name to Tyler Florida or Henry Mississippi so that audiences understand he’s white as all get out.”
Ms. Halloway, citing a need to keep plot details private, did divulge that one memorable scene from the original “Scarface” will be retooled just slightly, should Trump accept the invitation to star in the film.
“At the end of the movie, when the title character is being ransacked and about to die,” Halloway said, “he’s still going to shout, ‘Say hello to my little friends!’ But this time, he’ll just be talking about his tiny hands.”
Though much of the casting is still up in the air, Halloway did say they’ve nailed down who will play the main love interest.
“We asked Donald if we should cast someone in the female romantic lead that he knows, to make him more comfortable onscreen,” Halloway said, “and he told us that was a great idea.” So, Halloway says they proposed that Trump’s wife Melania take the lead role.
Trump reportedly balked at that idea, saying “someone has to mind my latest crotch fruit.” He suggested someone else that was still “very, very, very, very close” to him, he said.
“Ivanka, give the role to Ivanka,” Trump reportedly told Halloway.
“Orangeface,” starring Donald and Ivanka Trump as star crossed lovers, will hit theaters sometime in 2019.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.