Starbucks Unveils Hanukkah, Kwanza, Church of Satan Holiday Cups

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Each year, coffee giant Starbucks unveils its holiday cup designs.

While the majority of Americans don’t seem to pay much attention to the altered cups, there are some who frequently complain that the company is trying to change the meaning of the Christmas holiday but not making direct references to Christianity. This year’s cup designs will likely cause some commotion among those same groups. In fact, Starbucks isn’t debuting just one new cup design this winter; they’re unveiling three brand new cup designs.

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Starbucks held a press conference early Monday afternoon to debut the three new holiday cups that will start making their way to stores sometime this week. During the presser, the coffee company acknowledged the outrage among some evangelical Christians display on an annual basis, each time Starbucks’ holiday cups are unveiled. Starbucks’ spokesperson stopped short of apologizing to the religious groups who are routinely offended, but did say it’s never the intention of Starbucks to insult anyone with their designs.

“Yes, it’s unfortunate that we’ve angered them by taking away one of the approximately 2.3 million retailers who constantly bombard consumers with Christmas-themed messaging,” Starbucks junior media liaison Cathy Caspar said, “but we hope they’ll be suitably impressed with our new line of holiday cups as well.”

Citing a desire to “be more inclusive, no matter what certain Fundamentalists might say,” Caspar unveiled a Hanukkah, Kwanza and Church of Satan version of each Starbucks holiday cup.

“These cups will make their way to our stores this week, so no matter what you celebrate, you’ll be in the festive mood after buying their cup of coffee.”

Caspar said that she hopes “angry Christians will heed what their Bible says and come to the holiday season with a spirit of grace and forgiveness” and that they’ll “hoist back a $22.00 cup of coffee with their Jewish, black, or Satan worshiping friends” at their nearby Starbucks.

“Starbucks has always had a very inclusive corporate atmosphere,” Caspar said of the controversy over the standard holiday cups as well as the newly minted ones, “so I’m not really sure why all the Christians are suddenly up in arms. I mean, we are big supporters of marriage equality and we have a policy of no guns in our stores. So you’d think that eventually they’ll either all get the hint or go start a Christian-owned coffee company…Koffee-Fil-A or whatever the shit. But in the meantime, I hope they’ll stop getting shocked every time we do something that doesn’t coddle their conservative beliefs.”

Caspar said the additional coffee cups were designed in-house by various employees who are either black, Jewish, or worship Satan.

“You know it’s funny, the Jewish employees, the black employees and the Satan worshiping employees would collaborate on each other’s cups, and they’d all be laughing and having a good time,” Caspar told reporters, “and then over in a corner, all alone, were the Christians working on their own cups. I don’t know what that says or anything, but just you know, thought I’d toss that out there.”

The new cups are expected to do well in non-rural, blue states, but Caspar thinks “most people will get where Starbucks is coming from on this” and “pony up their $56.50 for their cup of coffee and be on their way.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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