In New Harry Potter Game, Hogwarts is a Bible College With Matt Walsh as Headmaster

Fans of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter — a multibillion dollar franchise that got its humble beginnings as a children’s book series — are clamoring to play Hogwarts Legacy, a new multiplayer gaming experience that puts players in Harry Potter’s universe. People who log on to play it, however, might be surprised by some of the differences between Hogwarts in the books and movies, and Hogwarts’ online iteration.

In Hogwarts Legacy, the titular school is still a learning institution dedicated to mythical fantasies, but instead of it being a school for witchcraft and wizardry, Hogwarts is a Bible college. Conservative anti-transgender commentator and domestic terrorist Matt Walsh is the school’s headmaster. However, in the game, Walsh is referred to as “Dumbledork.” In one side mission, players are asked to help Dumbledork find his wife’s clitoris, only to find out when they get to her sleeping chamber, she doesn’t want or need her husband’s help locating it, because a nice transgender woman from Atlanta has already helped her do that.

Players who go through all of Hogwarts Bible College’s curriculum will receive a special BA – Bachelor of Asshole Opinions — and those with the highest scores will be entered to win a lunch date with JK Rowling at the Del Mar Turf Club, where Rowling and her guest will watch noted transphobes Ann Coulter and Marjorie Taylor Greene run a race on the famous track.

“I’m really excited that the changes I wanted to be made got implemented,” Rowling said on the BBC this morning, sitting atop a pile of cash. “It’s one thing to shit all over a legacy you built, but it’s another to do it with such zeal, and I know that Matt will bring what the Harry Potter world needs to the game. Undercutting the values espoused in my novels and their film adaptations is what I feel is the best use of my time and enormous wealth. Did I mention I’m rich yet? Make sure you keep that part in. That I’m very wealthy. So you know, I’d clearly by the protagonist in the Harry Potter books right, right? Right.”

@jamboschlarmbo I won’t be playing #HogwartsLegacy myself. But will you? #MattWalsh #satire #politics #politik #politicalsatire #JKRowling #lgtbq🏳️‍ ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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