Hobby Lobby to Start Advertising on “The O’Reilly Factor”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — While several big name automakers have recently pulled out advertising from “The O’Reilly Factor,” there is one large, national corporation that has decided now is the right time to start doing business with Fox News, and the show’s host.

After revelations that Fox News has spent more than $13 million settling harassment claims against its veteran host Bill O’Reilly, BMW, Hyundai, and Mercedes-Benz have all stopped advertising on his long-running show. On Tuesday morning, Hobby Lobby announced that it had been “duly impressed with how little value Mr. O’Reilly puts on females in general,” and that they’d be advertising on his show starting next quarter. Hobby Lobby made national headlines during the Obama administration for successfully lobbying the courts to allow them not to provide contraceptive coverage to their employees through their health benefits, claiming it would violate the company’s owner’s Christian values.

“Hobby Lobby is extremely pleased to enter into this new relationship with Mr. O’Reilly and Fox News,” Grant Palumbo, Hobby Lobby’s deputy chief media liaison told reporters this morning, “and in fact we almost felt like we had to do it. Like we had no choice. Like there was so much pressure put on us to be with Bill that we literally couldn’t say no without dire consequences for us.”

Mr. Palumbo said that Hobby Lobby’s executives made the decision to begin a relationship with Mr. O’Reilly’s show because “bold, brave, unabashed misogyny and a culture that lessens the importance and meaning of women” is very important to the company, but also “totally in the Bible and stuff.”

“Was it not Jesus who said in his Sermon on the Mount,” Palumbo mused, “bitches ain’t shit, but hoes and tricks? It’s not every day that we get the chance to work with an A-List Celebrity who’s also a Grade-A misogynist a-hole. Talk about a win-win for us.”

Palumbo said that in accordance to Hobby Lobby bylaws, all females were asked to leave the boardroom while a vote on whether to advertise on “The O’Reilly Factor” was taken.

“It’s not enough to take away a woman’s right to have a say in the kinds of contraceptives she uses,” Palumbo said, adding, “we also want to make sure no woman has any opinion on anything, ever. Again, just like Jesus Christ says in the Bible…somewhere. Near the back. I think. In the appendix, or some shit.”

Fox News announced that a couple of other companies have also expressed interest in advertising on O’Reilly’s show.

“We’ve heard from Hooters,” Fox News Assistant Media Contact Bob Robertson told the press, “and of course the Spearmint Rhino is very interested as well. BMW and Mercedes and Hyundai hurt, but if we can pick up sixty or seventy smaller advertisers that don’t care what a douchebag Bill is, we’ll be in good shape.”

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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