Hobby Lobby Offers to Give Female Employees Nazi Gold For Birth Control

OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA — During a conference call with its franchisees today, Hobby Lobby’s chief junior executive media liaison announced the company would be reversing its previous stance on providing contraception to its female employees.

Hobby Lobby made headline news when it successfully argued before the courts that they should be required to pay for health insurance that covers certain types of birth control. One of the judges in the lower federal circuit that agreed with Hobby Lobby is now on sitting on the Supreme Court bench — Justice Neil Gorsuch. The argument Hobby Lobby made was that even though they are a company in the open market, and they are ostensibly a secular one, the deeply held religious beliefs of their executives and founders are violated by having to pay for some specific brands of contraceptive because they are perceived to be tantamount to abortion.

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This week, however, the headlines were not all that positive for Hobby Lobby. A federal court ordered them to pay a $3 million fine for purchasing Christian artifacts from Iraq, and to return what they purchased. The artifacts were part of historical buildings and locations leveled by ISIS fighters. Many had accused Hobby Lobby of essentially helping to fund ISIS through their illegal purchases. Board executives were looking for a way to improve their public image after the fallout from the Iraqi artifact scandal, and they decided that reversing course on contraception for their employees was a good place to start.

“It’s time,” John Mayoffer told franchisees, “for us to get our butts into the modern age. We messed up with those Iraqi artifacts, and we gotta save some face here, folks.”

Mayoffer told franchisees not to worry too much about how they’d pay for the contraceptive coverage.

“The truth is that we were just crying foul about the cost to make us sound less like religious nuts,” Mayoffer explained, “but we have the funding we need for this new initiative. In fact, we’ve found a way to give money directly to our female employees so they can choose how best to purchase their sex pills.”

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According to Mayoffer, Hobby Lobby will offer their employees gold that once belonged to members of the Germany’s Nazi Party to pay for their contraceptives. Mr. Mayoffer said that the company had purchased “quite a lot” of earthly treasure plundered by the Nazis during World War II, and that the perfect opportunity to use the treasure was to offer their female employees full contraceptive coverage.

“We’re really pleased that we could help our lady employees like this,” Mayoffer said, “because I have to admit, when we started buying all the Nazi gold or all those artifacts we smuggled out of Iraq, I was worried about the optics. We were telling people it was too expensive and it violated our morals to pay for some kinds of birth control, but we were out there spending millions on illegal artifacts, and in some cases directly benefiting ISIS. Not a good look.”

The plan still has to be fully approved by Hobby Lobby’s executive board, but Mayoffer is confident a decision will be made soon. This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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