HIV/AIDS ‘Surprised But Honored’ to Have Higher Approval Ratings Than President Trump

President Donald Trump’s six month approval ratings are now officially the lowest in recorded history. That’s bad news for the Trump Administration. With them embroiled in non-stop Russia speculation, fueled by an ever widening scrutiny on the meetings his own son and son-in-law took with Russian envoys during last year’s election, pundits wonder if it’s possible for Trump’s approval ratings to dip even lower than they have thus far. An abysmal 37% approval rating from Gallup — the country’s foremost polling company — is making many people in the Republican Party anxious and nervous about next year’s mid-term elections.

HIV and AIDS, however, are not among those worried about Trump’s horrific approval numbers. Instead, in a press release issued from the virus’s corporate headquarters, HIV/AIDS congratulated Trump on his “historically shitty” approval rating. HIV/AIDS’ press release encourages Trump to “go for the gusto” and “drive that approval rating into the low single digits” if he can. Why? Because HIV/AIDS now poll better than Trump does, that’s why.

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“We, HIV and AIDS, would like to congratulate temporary President Donald J. Trump on his historical approval ratings, ” the press release states, “and we’d like to take this opportunity to encourage him to go for the gusto! We know he hasn’t quite yet hit that rock bottom floor of rage and anger with the electorate just yet, but we know if anyone has the skill and talent to drive his approval ratings into the low single digits, it’s him.”

Citing further polling, HIV/AIDS pointed out that they actually have a higher approval rating than Trump, and that they were “honored” by it.

“We are truly surprised but honored to find out Donald Trump has rescued us from the basement of public opinion,” AIDS and HIV’s statement reads, “so thanks, Donny!”

AIDS and HIV reasoned in their press release that while “no one wants to be exposed” to them or Trump for any amount of time, there are some striking differences between them all worth highlighting.

“At least there are drugs that keep us from becoming a death sentence,” HIV and AIDS state, “But you can’t say the same for the country under Dumb Donny’s alleged leadership, can you? How many people will die from lack of medical coverage if Trumpcare passes? Seems to us a much more surefire way to die than being diagnosed with one of us is to have a preexisting condition under Trumpcare.”

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Not wanting HIV/AIDS to “hog all the spotlight,” another terminal illness weighed in.

“HIV and AIDS are right to congratulate President Trump on his truly terrible approval ratings,” Pediatric Cancer wrote in an email to the press, “but we’d like to point out that by our calculations, within the next six months, he’ll be less popular than children’s cancer. Which is ironic, considering he helped his kid steal money from kids with cancer.”

The White House did not respond to a request for comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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