HELL — The disembodied spirit of the genocidal former dictator from Germany known as Adolf Hitler held a press conference from his residence in the seventh ring of Hell in an attempt to distance himself from White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
Mr. Spicer has come under heavy criticism and mocking after trying to make the case during a press briefing in favor of the Trump administration’s missile strike on a Syrian airbase. Spicer, fielding a question from a reporter, seemed to indicate that he doesn’t have a very firm or reality-based grasp on what Hitler did, as he said that the fascist despot didn’t “even sink to using chemical weapons.” His stammering, stumbling attempts to make his point clear didn’t help, and many have started calling for him to resign or for the president to fire him.
Neither Preisdents Bannon nor Trump have indicated whether Spicer’s job is in jeopardy, but that didn’t stop Mr. Hitler from calling his press conference.
“Yeah, look, I’m Hitler okay,” Mr. Hitler declared, “and if anyone has a vested interest in playing dumb about the Holocaust, it’s me. But let me just say, flat-out, Sean Spicer is a full blown fucking idiot.”
Hitler told reporters he wanted to “leave no uncertainty” in anyone’s minds — he used chemical weapons on his people.
“Of course I used chemical weapons on my people, I mean, that was kinda my whole thing, no matter what Sean Spicer idiotically thinks,” Hitler said, adding, “Though to be totally, one-hundred percent fair to them, me, and Spicer, the people I gassed were my people, but, like, I didn’t think of them as my people, know what I mean?”
Ultimately, Hitler just wants the known and unknown universes to understand that he’s many things, but he’s not a history revisionist.
“And I’m not as dumb as fucking Sean Spicer okay,” Hitler emphatically stated, “which I’m not saying makes me better than him. I’m like, literally the worst human being ever. I’m so horrid that people have almost started taking for granted how fucking evil I was and just started making up their own version of who I was, usually describing their own political foes, instead of keeping me in my proper context. But you know what? As fucked up as I am, I’m not dumb enough to even remotely imply I didn’t use chemical weapons.”
A reporter asked Hitler if he thought Spicer was trying to deny the Holocaust ever happened.
“No, of course not,” Hitler said, “I just think Sean’s a fucking mealy-mouthed moron who can’t get his own dick out of his way most of the time. And it doesn’t help that all those Nazis on Twitter backed his boss in the election, but nah, I don’t get a ‘One of Us’ vibe from Spicer.”
“Oh, but Bannon,” Hitler said, “Is Steve a Nazi? All day, every day, and twice on Shabbat. ”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.