BERLIN, GERMANY — Historians from the Institute of German History and All Things German-Ish have announced a new discovery they say may shed some important light on events of the day.
Historians have uncovered a receipt from a brunch shared by Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbels one of his closest advisers and confidantes.
“We were cleaning out an old shoe box full of receipts and business cards that were found in Hitler’s desk, and you can imagine our utter shock when we found a receipt from the Carnegie Deli,” Professor Susan Uppelscrappen of the IGHATG told reporters this morning. “Apparently the morning of November 11th, 1938, which was the first morning after the dreadful Kristallnacht attacks, Hitler and Joseph Goebbels went out to brunch at the Carnegie Deli in New York City!”
The Carnegie Deli was opened in 1937, just roughly a year before Hitler and Goebbel’s hopped a transatlantic flight to New York to enjoy a brunch together, celebrating the success of their “extreme Jewish vetting program” as they would describe it in texts Dr. Uppelscrappen showed the press. Kristallnacht was two nights of terror visited upon Jewish shopkeepers by German gestapo at the behest of Hitler. It might seem extremely odd that two devout antisemitic men would be going to a Jewish deli the next morning, but Dr. Uppelscrappen explained that quite easily.
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“Racist and bigoted government policies really only can be celebrated in an ironic, hamfisted way,” Dr. Uppelscrappen explained. “Like, say, going for a Mexican dinner the day after you give a full throated defense of a policy that abuses children because they look Mexican, you know stuff like that, just spit-balling here, really.”
Psychologists and researchers have long wondered what kinds of effects perpetrating ethnic cleansing can have on a person’s mind and ability to judge what is tasteful or not. Hitler and Goebbel’s receipt from the Carnegie Deli gives “fascinating insights into the mind of the racist,” Uppelscrappen says.
“Now we can see it’s not just Mexican restaurants and brown-skinned people,” Uppelscrappen said. “Pretty much any openly xenophobic group of white people can be seen making problematic and extremely tacky dining decisions that make you question their basic sense of judgment and decency. So, that’s something we can confirm for sure now.”
Reached for comment, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen said she thinks the story sounds “ludicrous but completely understandable given the circumstances.”
“You’d be surprised the bat shit crazy stuff you’re okay with in the name of national security and group bigotry,” Nielsen said.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.