Hipster Nazi Really Looking Forward To What President-Elect Trump Can ‘Cook Up’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Bill Ricci loves to dress in tailored, three-piece suits. Ricci also enjoys writing essays and speaking on podcasts about the evils of government, the vile welfare state, and how all taxes are theft. Mr. Ricci is also a proud member of the so-called “alt-right” and was one of many young, white, millennial men who attended the National Policy Institute’s conference wherein the now infamous Nazi salutes and chants of “Hail Trump!” were heard after attendees believed the media had left was shot.

Ricci says he “bristles” at being called a Nazi and prefers a different term.

“Hipster Nazi, if you please,” Ricci told our reporter, “it’s much more accurate. Of course, as a member of the Jew-run media, I don’t expect you to quote me accurately, but if you could use the term Hipster Nazi that would be cool. That’s my handle on Patreon, Twitter, and Gabi.”

Mr. Ricci claims that he and the other people who attended the conference wouldn’t be so bold and vocal if it wasn’t for “all the libtards” pushing for a more equal and just society. He says that “liberals push identity politics” so much they had no alternative but to “push white identity politics” because “two wrongs make a Nazi.” He said that those in his movement don’t necessarily see Donald Trump as their “fuhrer per se,” despite the video showing them saluting the alleged billionaire like Nazis saluted Hitler.

“We’re not hero worshiping personality cultists like those people who thought everything Obummer did was perfect,” Ricci said, “we just think Trump is our one, true, white knight and that he can save us from white genocide. We really cannot wait to see what he can, you know, cook up.”

Asked for examples of what he’d like to see Trump do, Ricci focused mostly on “keeping Muslims out” and “kicking illegals back to where they came from.” He told our interviewer that even children born of undocumented parentage should be sent back because “birth right citizenship is for us red, white, and blue blooded whites only.”

“Maybe he rounds up all Muslims and sends them to camps where they can concentrate on being more American,” Ricci suggested, “or maybe he builds a giant catapult and flings all the Mexicans back to Mexico. Maybe he rounds up and kills Jews, I mean you know sky’s the limit, right?”

During our interview with him, Ricci pined for “olden days” where “racism wasn’t racism, it was just Americans being American in the most American way possible.”

“Ever since the end of slavery and the Civil Rights movement starting, we’ve had to hide our belief that our skin color is an accomplishment and worthy of pride for some reason. But I ask you, when’s our chance,” Ricci asked, “when’s our time to be overtly racist? It’s not fair that our grandfathers and the sisters they slept with got to do it and we don’t. So we are rightfully claiming what is ours — innate, bold, proud American Racism.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This