WASHINGTON, D.C. — When former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (D-Hell) stumbled while leaving the 9/11 memorial service she and her presidential rival Donald Trump were attending last weekend, it happened on the exact same day that an American consulate building in Benghazi, Libya was attacked four years prior. This set off alarm bells in one plucky congressman’s head. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) has decided to call for a new House inquiry into Benghazi, and this time to determine if Hillary Clinton’s fainting was in any way related.
“Let’s be honest,” Gowdy told reporters, “we all know Hillary Clinton is a sickly, frail, cold blooded mass murderer. We just don’t know what to believe, and therefore it’s probably in our country’s best interest to spend every single, solitary dime we have available to track down the answers we want to hear. I’ll dunk her in a float tank next if that’s what it takes.”
Gowdy said that he believes Clinton might have “known too much about herself” and the fainting spell was a cover-up for her being poisoned by herself.
“I wouldn’t put it past former Secretary Clinton to kill former Senator Clinton,” Gowdy said, “not if former First Lady Clinton had damning evidence on Benghazi. So we’re going up that smelly road. We’re taking our whole country up that smelly, brown, country road, and we will not stop until we’re all covered in the filth we’re convinced we’ll find covering Ms. Clinton, that’s for sure.”
Though he said the investigation into Clinton’s fainting is still “in the very early stages,” Gowdy said he already knows “many things for certain.”
“One, Clinton fainted,” Gowdy said, “two, she fainted on camera. And three? She’s a secret proto-communist implanted by the ghost of Saul Alinsky into the federal government to bring us all down from within, starting with Vince Fosterghazi, then going onto White Waterghazi, then Benghazi Benghazi, emailghazi, and not faintghazi. Clearly she’s dirty, and even though 25 or more years of the most intense scrutiny and conspiracy mongering hasn’t turned up a shred of actual evidence of wrongdoing, does that really mean we should stop spending millions on these Quixotic crusades?”
Harold Bornstein, Donald Trump’s friend and physician, said that he can tell by looking at the video that there’s something “up” with Hillary’s health, but he can see much, much more from the videos as well.
“Any trained medical professional can tell you from just looking at the video of Hillary Clinton fainting that she’s clearly got either Parkinsons, AIDS, light AIDS, or Parkinson AIDS,” Bornstein said via Skype from his brother-in-law’s hammock in his backyard, where he is currently living, “but even more than that, I can tell she’s a robot. She’s very obviously a murder machine robot whose health is failing her, which doesn’t seem to impact her ability to murder people in cold blood, which is weird, but hey, when does what conservatives make up about Hillary have to be true? Oh wait, you’re’ recording all of this? Shit.”
Representatives from the Clinton campaign declined to comment on this story, because they’re all high and mighty about not responding to satirical news stories. The jerks.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.