Hillary Supporter Calculating How Many Sanders Wins to Take Him Seriously

CRYSTAL BAY, RHODE ISLAND — As Sam Malloy watched the returns from the Wisconsin Democratic Primary, his mind began doing calculations, and he eventually needed to “grab some scrap paper and a calculator” to work out all the details.

“By my math, this makes four primaries in a row,” Malloy said, “and something like seven of the last eight that have gone for Sanders. As a Hillary Clinton supporter, I needed to know at what point I should stop taking him for granted and start taking him seriously.”

Mr. Malloy said that he has been one of many Hillary supporters anxious for Sanders to drop out of the race, despite three consecutive months where the Vermont senator bested Clinton in fundraising totals, and the aforementioned string of primary victories. Even though then candidate Obama faced a similar primary fight against Clinton in 2008 — wherein she had a “firewall” of southern states’ support that many thought would make her impervious and didn’t — Malloy just never has felt that this year could be that similar.\

“I just figured that we’d all eventually wind up rallying behind Hillary’s inevitability,” Malloy said with lament in his voice, “and I really thought reminding everyone that Sanders isn’t a ‘real’ Democrat would sway more people. I guess there aren’t as many Americans who treat politics like a team sport as I had thought.”

Sam also told us that he’s starting to feel like “these Bernie supporters are real serious about their revolution.

“You know, I was one of many millions of people on both sides of the aisle mocking Sanders and his supporters over their political revolution,” Malloy told us, “and I’d call them all lazy millennials who didn’t understand there’s no such thing as a free lunch. But it really seems like maybe they really aren’t a bunch of commies in the offing, but instead are just fighting to have tax resources allocated in a way that benefits the working class first. Who’da thunk?”

Sanders winning Wisconsin with such a wide margin also made him realize one of his “gut feelings” about Sanders supporters wasn’t true either.

“Turnout. I really didn’t think Berners could put down the doobie long enough to go and turnout like they did in Wisconsin,” Malloy said, “and it makes me think that maybe there’s something to this Sanders guy, if he can speak to principles we Democrats allegedly believe in and also inspire people to come out and vote for him. Still, I think I need at least four more consecutive primary wins, and then I’ll believe he has a chance at winning the nomination and the General Election.”


James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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