Woman Finds Copy of Hillary’s Hit List Stuffed Into Copy of “What Happened”

GREEN VALLEY HILLS, CALIFORNIA — Last year, Helen Stillbaugh was the chairwoman of the local Hillary Clinton for President Campaign office in her small California suburb of Los Angeles. Helen was a Clinton supporter in 2008 who went on to vote for President Obama both times, and she says she was “devastated and saddened” when Donald Trump defeated Clinton, despite the former Secretary of State garnering more votes than Trump, and in fact one of the highest popular vote totals in the country’s history. As sad as Stillbaugh was the night of the election, she says she has “stiffened [her] resolve” and become part of several groups that organize to resist Trump’s agenda.

“It’s been a tough last few months since Trump was sworn in,” Helen told us via Skype, “but I’ve found new reserves of strength within me. And so when Hillary’s book was announced, I wanted to read it, because I thought it could have some insights into fighting that orange faced dick demon, know what I mean?”

So the day “What Happened,” Clinton’s new literary account of the 2016 presidential election, was released, Helen says she waited all night at her local Barnes & Noble store, camping out. She wanted to be one of the first people to buy the book, and she was. But when she opened the book after getting it home, Ms. Stillbaugh says she was “shocked and surprised” by something she found in its pages, literally.

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“I was turning through the pages, just taking in that new book smell,” Helen told us, “and then as I turned one page, a folded piece of paper fell out of the book. Written on it was a message, ‘For Hill’s eyes only.’ Needless to say, I was intrigued. I thought maybe this was a cool little thing they include in every book, like a replica of some special note Bill wrote her before her big speech at the convention.”

However, when Helen unfolded the paper, she says her shock and surprise intensified.

“In big letters, right at the top it says, PEOPLE I AM GOING TO OR WANT TO KILL, BY HILLARY CLINTON,” Helen said.

During the campaign last year, certain elements of President Trump’s base embraced and spread rumors and conspiracy theories that Ms. Clinton has had several of her political opponents assassinated. The stories about the Clinton family having people murdered are nothing new; many on the right have believed for years that former Clinton associate Vince Foster was murdered by the Clintons to cover up the Whitewater scandal. Helen told us she’s never bought into any of those theories, but finding what looks like Secretary Clinton’s hit list has given her “pause.”

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“It’s crazy to think what I may have found will help validate the craziest, stupidest, most outlandish and silly sounding anti-Hillary conspiracy theories out there,” Helen said, “because let’s face it, outside of some silly satirical news story, where would you even see this kind of bullshit except on right-wing fringe blogs? But here I am, staring at a list of people that Hillary Clinton could potentially want bumped off.”

We asked Ms. Stillbaugh to read us the names from the list. What follows is a direct transcription of the names she gave us. Mrs. Clinton did not return a request for comment to verify or deny the veracity of this list. Some names were crossed out, and that has been represented in the transcription as well.

  • Seth Rich
  • Vince Foster
  • John F. Kennedy
  • Jim Henson
  • J.R. Ewing
  • Ben Gozzi
  • The Notorious B.I.G.
  • Tupac Shakur
  • Antonin Scalia
  • Cookie Monster
  • Academy Award Winner Helen Hunt
  • That Lady from the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” Commercials
  • Taco Bell
  • The Guy Who Wrote “The Macarena”
  • President Chester A. Arthur
  • My Cousin Sally For Spoiling Season Four of Game of Thrones for Me
  • Count Chocula
  • Sean Hannity
  • Hillary Clinton
  • Tammy Lahren
  • The TGI Friday Lineup from 1989-1996
  • Ben Gozzi (just to be sure he’s really dead)

Ms. Stillbaugh has indicated she has forwarded a copy to Ms. Clinton and to the authorities. This story is developing.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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