OAK HAVEN, OHIO — In the battleground state of Ohio this weekend, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton told a crowd of her supporters that she would do everything in her power to enact a “strong gun safety agenda” and that as part of that agenda she was “ready, willing, and able” to personally confiscate many more guns than even President Barack Obama (D-Communist Russia or Something) could in his eight years in the Oval Office.
“I will not only carry out an agenda of smart, responsible gun control measures,” Clinton told rally attendees, “I will take my radical, left-wing, anti-gun — except when exporting them to foreign countries — agenda to the American people,” Clinton said, “and I will not double the number of guns President Obama grabbed, I will confiscate at least three as many as he did!”
Ms. Clinton said that while she would “really, really, really love it” if Congress did the “absolute bare minimum their job requires of them” and passed laws that at the very least give the American public a chance to feel relatively assured a dangerous person with a semi-automatic rifle isn’t going to kill them, or their loved ones. But, she says, “as a liberal, left-wing, anti-American Democrat” she is willing to “take [her] extreme agenda of not handing deadly weapons to morons” as far as she sees fit because “the Constitution is just a suggestion.”
“Everyone knows that we liberal Democrats just flat-out do not care what the Constitution says about guns,” Clinton said, “and that’s why we’re always totally genuinely fighting to have the Second Amendment deleted and to personally go around taking away every single, solitary gun in this country, because we all know that conservatives are secretly right about us hating guns because we really hate freedom and America.”
To accomplish her goal of tripling the number of guns that Obama personally took away from Americans, Clinton says she will “Benghazi the fuck outta anyone” who opposes her views and she will “Vince Foster the living dick” out of people who don’t “kowtow and genuflect” to her as “the Chief Empress of America Land.”
“Whatever conspiracy theory you believe in that paints me as a vile, murderous, blood thirsty pirate of a war monger,” Clinton said, “believe them! I am clearly the cartoon character that Rush Limbaugh has made you believe I am for the past twenty years. So lock up your guns, your Bibles, and your heterosexual marriage licenses. Once I’m elected, America as you know it will be the gayest, least racist, progressive country ever. Just look at how progressive/communist/not-racist America is now after eight years of Our Dear Leader! Multiply that a badillion, and that’s how liberal/anti-American/communist we’ll be once I’m done with the job! Muahahahahahaha!”
Then the sound of ominous organ music could be heard as Clinton laughed for a minute straight, twirling her black, handlebar mustache and fidgeting with her top hat, cane and monocle.
In totally completely unrelated news, the nation’s largest international arms dealer endorsed Clinton on Monday, stating that “no one has helped our business more than Madame Secretary Clinton did during her time at the State Department, and we are very proud to be Clinton Foundation donors as well as supporters of her campaign for the White House.”